Congratulations on Your Abortion!

Some people would call you brave, some a sinner. We here at the office would just like to call you “champ.”

Not for your sexual exploits, those are sort of funny in an embarrassing way. Most people don’t wear luchador masks during, by the way. No, we’re here because by getting this abortion you’re not only keeping a child who would’ve been raised without love out of this world, you’re also ending the life of a future supervillian.

See John in HR sometimes sees moments of divergence in our everyday lives. And in this abortion he saw a big one in yours.

Most abortions, mind you, are big ones. They represent the potential for a life, whichever side of the fence you’re on on the whole issue. And when they occur they definitively end that potential. It actually makes our job a lot easier, to be honest, by removing variables.

But your particular abortion has significance to everyone in the world, because if you hadn’t chosen to abort today your child would grow into a precocious young man who would hold the world hostage with an army of mutant shark men.

Even after his appropriately ironic death at the hands of his own bloodthirsty minions feral bands of shark men would have continued to roam the earth, confining humanity to a few ravaged settlements for decades.

They’d be wiped out John Conner style eventually, but society would take some serious hits for a while, and the internet would become a bigger part of most people’s lives.

If you’d like to hear more about this whole adventure, John’s working on a book based on what he saw along the other path. He said a lot of his visions were “rockin’” and he’s hoping to use some of the money to help him quit working here.

The rest of us are all just super psyched that we won’t have to worry about being murdered by shark men. At least, not for a while. And you won’t be raped and killed by them either, causing your son to abandon his last ounce of humanity.

So you’ll be avoiding raising a child you don’t feel prepared for and the rest of the world will avoid a grisly age of carnage ushered in by the spawn of your loins. It really is a win-win.

Oh, also, he’d just end up looking like his daddy, who was heinously ugly.

So congratulations on your abortion. It’s not an easy choice, but trust us, it’s the right one.