Congratulations on Having Your Gym Membership Revoked!

The nudist gym you attend doesn’t have many rules. No firearms on the premises, no running around the pool, no sex outside of the sauna, and no pets. But you’ve managed to set up a new one: no people named Greg Kinear who are not the actor.

You managed to do it in a way no one ever expected: you did not stop talking. Seriously. For a solid two hours every day for the last two months you have just not shut up and today they’re not going to take it anymore.

Hans, the insanely huge Swedish guy with the tiny dick, is going to grab you by the throat as you step in the door. It’ll be weird, because you’ve already been slipping out of your shirt and your arms won’t be in the sleeves. You’ll be there, arms under your shirt, with a massive hand around your throat and a man’s penis just a foot below eye level. If you were gay, it would be arousing.

But you’re not, you’re just a man who likes to work out in the nude, so it’ll be awkward for you. You’ll struggle for a few minutes, which will look like a worm squirming, before Hans just lifts you up to eye level so he can talk to you “face to face.”

“Greg,” he’ll say, stentorian voice emerging from deep in his chest. “We need to talk.”

“Is this really the best context for this conversation?” you’ll ask.

He’ll shrug, and do so without shifting his grip on you. He really is quite buff.

“We never really see you in any other situation. It seemed like the right time.”

Mary, the 47 year old owner, will emerge from the shadows next to him, finely toned breasts glistening with sweat. She clearly just left a sauna session with Teddy, the 17 year old paper boy she’s teaching about life. When she speaks it will be clear that the decision is final.

“Greg...” She’ll shake her head. She’s never had to eighty-six anyone before, and its not easy for her. “Greg, I’m sorry. We’re just not the right gym for you.”

“Why?” you’ll ask, shirt finally pushed up around your neck and arms crossed in front of your chest.

“Your life isn’t as interesting as you think it is. Let’s put it that way.”

She’ll nod to Hans and he’ll deposit you back on the street simply by sticking his arm through the door. Then he’ll gingerly shut it and turn the lock.

On the street, you’ll feel a great sadness. You finally thought you belonged somewhere, but just like at the Y it was not to be.

Chin up, buddy. Go tell the police that Mary’s involved in repeated statutory rape. A little blackmail always makes you feel better. And congratulations on having your gym membership revoked. Get a hobby.