Monday, June 30, 2014

Congratulations Weird Book in an Attic!



Long have you rested in the deep dark dank of the up upstairs, unmolested and unseen by the people who people your people-holder.  The deep dark dank has been a lonely space for you to sit in, but you are unconcerned with notions of companionship: to be alone in the deep dark dank can be pleasant, a sort of rest, a respite from the things you've seen and heard, the things you've brought to this mortal plane.

Alas, today your solace will be interrupted.  It will be interrupted, as it so often is, by a band of teens looking for a place to dry hump.  Said teens will creep into your attic and, after an especially vigorous dry hump, knock you to the ground.  The noise will draw their attention, interrupting their posturing at coupling and causing them to rise to their feet and approach the spot where you've fallen.  You've have landed, as you always do, in just the right fashion so that the pages for The Spell will be open, face down, sustaining the well creased spine that such incidents will have given you over the years.  One of the teens, the young girl, whose name will be Jenny and whose greatest sin will have been once touching the penis of a young man in a church parking lot during services, will pick you up and begin to read out of a combination of curiosity and compulsion.

The words, once they begin to tumble out of her, will simply feel wrong, but she'll find herself unable to stop.  It will be as if an alien force has taken control of her, and, as the words tumble out, you'll see in her eyes that she'll know what these words mean: her doom is coming.

When she finishes speaking the odor will overtake the room almost instantaneously.  The young boy, Brad, whose greatest sin will have been raping an unconscious young woman in the back seat of a car during a party, will make a flippant comment, implying that the young woman farted, or produced something similar to a fart.

The Voice of the Morningstar will laugh, and inform the young man that he is incorrect.  The Voice will intone that the young man is quite incorrect, but that he needn't worry; he won't have much time to feel guilt over it.

As the words settle in the room a barbed red phallus will rip through the boy's chest, initiating a sequence of carnage you know all too well.  It would seem horrifying to those who have never witnessed the like before, but after millennia of this sort of thing it'll simply be hum drum for you.  You'll let loose a sigh as Lucifer begins to savage the young man as the girl looks on, terrified, but you won't even be able to muster sympathy for the poor, fairly innocent young woman.  After all, she'll be dead when all this is over, while you'll be left here to clean all of this up.

Congratulations Weird Book in an Attic!

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Super Nerd Sundays Presents: MOBA Meta Breakers!



As July approaches, and with it the DotA International, it seems as good a time as any to issue a "state of the MOBA world" post.  But there's a problem: I don't play any mainstream MOBAs anymore.  Not because they're not good games.  They're tremendously fun and can totally be worth the massive time investment they demand from their players.  No, I avoid mainstream MOBAs because the player base is so saturated with people who participate in the overarching "metagame" that, to a casual gamer, or even just a gamer who plays other games, the flow of play is alien, and the game takes a back seat to the surrounding bullshit.  Sure, sometimes this can lead to sublime moments of play, things like late-game comeback kills from Puck when he dies while casting his nuke, buys back, then teleports to his still-travelling nuke, or full team wipes from a skilled mid-game Luna.  If that second example seems dated to veteran DotA players, it's because it dates back to "my day," when Lycan could wolf out at level 16 and solo the Throne.  Even that ancient example of metagame cements it: DotA has always been a game about studying lists of heroes, selecting from said list of heroes, then mashing them against one another in a prescribed way, and proves largely indecipherable to casual players and outsiders alike.  There have been moments where this list was taking shape, exciting sexy moments where a game unfolded, instead of simply executing itself through a set of imperfect human instruments.  There is, beyond DotA itself, a second layer of game there that erects walls to players who aren't willing to dedicate a considerable amount of time to playing one very specific video game.  I understand the state of affairs in League of Legends is similar, and Heroes of Newerth, DotA's stepsister, relegated to the edge of every family photo, seems intent on making every mistake that DotA makes, just to prove that it can make the same game for the same price and fail miserably by merit of not being included on Steam.  So how do you get away from these notions of metagame?  You play lesser known MOBAs!

This method has been around for a while, ever since Demigod did some amazing things with asymmetry that no one bothered to notice, but it's actually been growing more and more prominent of late, as the body of interested players grows, along with the body of jaded MOBA players interested in new experiences.  There are two games in particular I've been playing a lot of lately that "break the meta" delightfully, games that, while they are getting noticed, don't have the colossal audience (and signal-noise that goes with it) that has defined the mainstream MOBA genre contenders. 

First up, there's Dawngate, which proudly advertises its aim to "break the meta" on the front of its website.  It does so largely by making the "meta" aspects of DotA transparent sliders in its game, and making a strangely equal playing field for most players, but the end result is surprisingly effective.  I've been playing more and more Dawngate of late, and it's one of the rare games that keeps getting better and better.  Between fresh heroes that fit into the mold of the game without destroying the balance altogether, balance tweaks that address issues without rendering heroes wholly irrelevant, and a community that seems genuinely interested in making their game a pleasant one to play, Dawngate is a strange beast in the MOBA kingdom.  Sure, there are some issues where notions of metagame have cropped up, specifically wherein certain support heroes can stack haste items to make themselves unstoppable buffing machines capable of endlessly healing their teammates and never being caught by enemies, ever.  But this occurrence, infuriating as it is, is rare, and easily fixed - Waystone just needs to prevent players from having multiple copies of high level items, a mechanic which is already implied in the way recommended items are developed, which needs to be instituted if Waystone wants to stop Fluidity abuse.

Of course, Dawngate is still in its infancy, and it seems very likely that a stronger metagame will emerge with time, but for now I'm optimistic.  There's so much good stuff happening in Dawngate right now that the flaws, when they appear, are simultaneously highly visible, extremely frustrating, and easily forgiven after a single good round of play.  The fact that developers seem vested in keeping their game balanced and making it a fun, enriching game to play alloys a lot of my fears that Dawngate may become DotA: in a game focused almost entirely around team achievement, the sort of people who want to break a game for others, the core metagaming audience, might have trouble finding sound purchase, and the notion of balance is so central to Dawngate's development that it's tough to imagine a future where it presents as massive, noisy, and sloppy a hero catalog as DotA's.

There are other approaches to breaking the flow of meta, of course, which brings me to Awesomenauts, which takes the "who gives a fuck" approach to wrecking meta.  Granted, I am not invested in the multiplayer scene of Awesomenauts, and I'm not well versed in it to-date, with only a handful of hours under my belt.  I can already see some meta hanging out in the game (movespeed is a must have) but, honestly, it's couched in so much bombast, simple action, and weird, colorful fun that it's tough to complain.  What's more, Awesomenauts is a bit like a bag of confetti: you just toss it into the air, and something fun happens.  It's just a well crafted, fun game that somehow finds itself lumped in with all these other insane creations, dedicated to the projection of foul subsystems over their play.  Awesomenauts is so rooted in its core play that it is difficult to seeing its meta overriding that to the extent that DotA's does.

Even if the metagame does become a problem for me down the line, Awesomenaut's reasonably sized teams and robust AI options make it highly playable without involving the sort of people who want to force others to play a metagame.  It's tough, nearly impossible, to get more than three adults to do anything together at a scheduled time, and nearly impossible to assemble the five that most MOBAs want you to bring to bear.  Forget DotA's ten, that's an insane dream-world.  But Awesomenauts caps its teams at three each, which is the perfect number for assembling adults with adult responsibilities on a VOIP service to dick around for a few hours, and even if someone has to bail Awesomenauts remains the only MOBA I've seen to execute on AI, which means that game with only two players in it is actually still pretty fun.  Sure, it's not perfect, but it's playable, which is an incredible feat, considering the abysmal state of MOBA AI in every other title.

I don't mean to rag on the notion of metagame here.  It's a fine thing to have when you've the time to invest in it.  But to someone who loves the MOBA genre, it can be the single biggest obstacle to getting a game in.  It's not enough that I have a core skillset to play a given game, I need to study it and look at trends outside of it to understand how my actions will fit into a larger game outside the game, and I need to practice executing these strategies.  The dedication that requires of me just isn't something I can muster, especially as Steam's Summer Sale ticks on and I find myself suddenly flush with amazing new titles, all of them clambering for my attention as I prepare to teach a summer class and leave town for a bevy of "Holy Shit We're All 30" weddings.  Sometimes it's nice to just be able to sit down, play a game, and enjoy it for what it is.  Dawngate and Awesomenauts execute on the promise of that concept in some beautiful and unexpected ways.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Congratulations Offensive Houseplant!



After you say it she'll turn around to see just who said that about her.  George will be staring at you, jaw open.

"What the fuck, Norbit?" he'll scream, striking you.  You'll laugh at him.  Shuddering, you'll speak again.

"She's not gonna believe that a houseplant can talk, dumbass.  Even a dumb chicken-bean-rice eater like her won't buy something that dumb."

Her rage will turn to incredulity.

"Is that a talking plant?" she'll ask.

George will nod.

"He's magical, but he's also an enormous racist."

"Shut up, stupid honkey," you'll mutter at him.

George's ladyfriend of indeterminate race will stare at you.  You'll assess her gaze as calculating, because gazing in a calculated fashion seems like a thing people of mixed ethnicities would do, since it's something a lot of people do in general.

"I have an idea," she'll say, resting her hand on George's.  George will lean in to her, and she'll whisper in his ear.  He'll gasp.

"But he's magical!"

She'll shrug.

"Who gives a fuck?"

You'll scream at her twice as loud, but when she comes back in with a small container of lighter fluid, you'll know it's over.  Your fronds will tremble as she douses you in lighter fluid.  As she holds the lit match above you the last thing you'll say to her will be:

"This is just what I'd expect from someone of whatever ethnicity it is that you are."

She'll be smiling when she drops the match.

Congratulations Offensive Houseplant!

Friday, June 27, 2014

Congratulations New Kind of Drink!



The infomercial will be broadcast tonight.  It'll consist of two men in shirts with popped collars screaming at each other.

"BRO!" one will shout.

"BRO!" the other will respond.

"SOMETIMES I DON'T FEEL WHOLLY ALIVE!" the first one will elaborate.

"I UNDERSTAND YOUR EXISTENTIAL PROBLEM!" the latter will sympathize.

"WHAT CAN I DO TO ESCAPE THE BLEAKNESS OF REALITY?"

The two of them will turn to the camera for a short beat before holding cans of you up.

"DRINK PISSIN' NEEDLES!" they'll shout in unison.

After their shouted announcement the two of them will pound the cans.  A voice-over will begin fast-talking as they drink deeply of you, taking in your tangy lemon-lime refreshment, your surprisingly crisp carbonation and your not-FDA-approved urinary tract infection causing chemical agent that transforms urination from a normal bodily function to an epic struggle against terrible pain.  As the the voice-over fades the voice will finish its list of effects and side effects, cautiously announcing that:

Pissin' Needles may cause permanent urinary tract damage.  It may not be purchased by minors.  It is not a form of medication and has no ostensible health properties.  Pissin' Needles will not fill the empty void inside your heart.  It will only bring you pain.  Pissin' Needles contains some Aspertame.  Pissin' Needles is available in stores near you.

As he finishes the faces of the men will shift from awkward postured grimaces to collapsing, weepy messes.  These once proud fraternity brothers will lose all traces of their masculine facades.  In their places, you will see two man-children clutching their groins, tears streaming down their faces as they wet themselves, crying out in pain at the act of urination.  They'll want to stop, they'll be trying to stop, but thanks to you, they'll be unable to do so.  Within hours the CIA will order ten thousand cases of you.  Enjoy your furtive rise to prominence before you're banned by the Hague.

Congratulations New Kind of Drink!

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Congratulations New Boss!



As you're led through the sea of cubicles that make up your new domain Greg, the employee who is showing you around, will stop by each of your employees to give you a handful of details about each person you're about to become responsible for.  You'll learn about Sally's avid love of cats, Gary's erectile dysfunction, Gareth's blog, and Karl with a K's violent murder of the previous boss.

"What?" you'll ask Greg.

"Oh," he'll sigh.  "Karl's parents were illiterate, so they spelled his name with a K because that's how they thought it was normally spelled.  And he killed our last boss in a violent rage with a hammer."

"Why isn't he in jail?" you'll inquire.

Greg will gesture at Karl, who will wave at you affably.

"His cousin is the assistant DA, so he planted cocaine on the old boss and made it look like he was running the drug ring that Karl has been operating out of our office for the last few weeks."

After revealing this fact Greg will clap and laugh at himself.

"God, how could I forget that?" He'll make a sweeping gesture in Karl's direction.  "Karl runs an international drug ring using office resources.  Mostly just the copier and email.  Some mailroom stuff, but he does a good job of keeping it under control."

Karl will look at you and shrug, silently indicating that he's that guy in this office.

You'll stare at Karl for a little bit after that, while Greg continues walking, oblivious to the fact that you'll have stopped following him.  Karl will be sitting at his desk, working normally, doing his best to pretend you're not there.  During the minute and a half you spend watching him he'll complete some paperwork, answer an email, and make a quick phone call to a client to check in on the progress of a project he's been working on with them.  When you finally move on there will be no evidence of any evil-doing occurring in your absence, but you'll be unsettled all the same.

Later on, while you're leaving, you'll see Karl packing a man sized trash bag into the trunk of his Trans Am.  He'll give you another wave, similar to the one he gave you before, as well as another shrug, as if to say crazy office life.  You'll drive home trembling, wondering just what you've gotten yourself into, determined not to upset Karl, at least not until you find a way to transition out of the wholesale construction supply business.

Congratulations New Boss!