Thursday, October 31, 2013

Congratulations Fucktastic Friends!



You and your friends are super heroes!

What kind of super heroes?

The kind that fuck people on trains!

"Wait," readers who aren't you might ask.  "How does that make you super heroes?"

You'd wink in response and say "Because we're SUPER good at fucking."

Then you'd fuck that stranger.  Assuming you don't know them, I mean.

Today you're going to get on a train going from Dover to Washington D.C. and fuck everyone on board.  That means you'll end up fucking Vice President Joe Biden (ooh la la!) and a bunch of bureaucrats and some homeless people who got in the train in Dover so they could leave and try to find some place less awful.  They'll get right back on the train once they arrive in D.C., along with you and your fucktastic friends who will, at that point, be off duty.

The homeless people won't want to hear that.  They'll get grabby, which means you and your friends will get stabby, which is your other super power.

"We're super stabby," one of your friends will tell the police during the arraignment hearing.

You'll be acquitted in a few months, after you using your super fuck powers to convince a jury of your peers (which is insane, because you're fuckers without peer) that you deserve to do stuff like stab people who sexually assault other people on trains.  The end result will be a landmark case that will make America as a whole more aware of the insidious and terrible crime of sexual assault and rape, and generate new structures that give broad leeway to women defending themselves in situations that would be classified as or could be construed as sexual assault.

Your time in prison will be captured on tape, in one of the internet's most popular videos, "The Fucktastic Friends Spend a Weekend in Jail."  There'll be a lot of oral sex going on.

Congratulations Fucktastic Friends!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Congratulations Risk Mitigator!



Your life is controlling risk.  Risk of a hostile corporate takeover, risk of personal injury, risk of psychological damage.  The world is resplendent with threats, and your job is to make sure they're as non-threatening as possible, considering the circumstances.  So when your first child was born about four months ago, you immediately began considering means of mitigating risk.

"Well, you won't be leaving our apartment for the first four months of your life," you announced to your newborn daughter.  She stared at you, puzzled, then puffed out her cheeks and commenced wailing terribly for a few hours.  You didn't know how to respond, so you handed her off to your wife, who shoved a tit in her face.  That shut her up good.

Four months into her life, your wife now has to return to work so you, being the forward thinking young dad you are, have now decided to start taking care of your infant on your off days.  Your wife has been uncomfortable about the prospect of you being alone with your daughter.

"You're kind of dumb," she said.  "Call me before you do anything that you think I'd call stupid."

You told her you loved her and that that kind of backchatting sass is why you married her, then hung up and began the process of coating your infant daughter in shock-resistant Safe Tee Foam (trademark).  Once your daughter was all bundled up you took her out into the world and, within minutes, were greeted by screaming nannies and armed police officers who ripped your daughter from the stroller while they held you at gunpoint, all the while ignoring your cries of "she's safe, she's safe, it's fine."

It took them nearly ten minutes to cut her free from her foam using a flick knife, but once she was out it was immediately apparent that she'd suffocated.  You thought about trying to adopt a child from an agency, from some weird place full of brown people like Brazil or Tapas, but when you crunched the numbers it was too risky, so you faked your death instead.

Have fun with your new life in Alaska!

Congratulations Risk Mitigator!

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Congratulations Insanely Bad Choice Criminal!



You're a criminal.  I mean, we all are, in a sense, but you're really, really criminally.  You rob, kidnap and kill for money.  You rarely work on spec, you often get caught, and you rarely find yourself outside of prison for more than a few months at a time.

Well, today all that's going to change when you kidnap the creepy son of a wealthy woman.

"Wait, isn't this the plot of some movie?" you might ask.

It's entirely possible!

You and your crime buddies (along with your crime girlfriend) will take the creepy little kid to a shack in the woods to keep him safe.

"Real safe," your crime buddy will tell you.  "Like, unbelievably safe."

You'll agree.  You're a criminal who makes bad choices.  Who are you to say things like "Maybe we should just get a storage space" or "perhaps storing him in an innocuous location in the city might be a good idea."

No, you'll just go along for the ride, until the weird psychic kid starts referring to you and your friends by name, and then starts mind-killing you one by one while his wolf friend watches and licks his genitals in glee.

Eventually, you'll shoot someone with something and then the creepy kid will be dead, but until then, we look forward to watching you work, exceptionally dumb criminal.  It's people like you who make us all believe that there's hope for us in the world.

Congratulations Insanely Bad Choice Criminal!

Monday, October 28, 2013

Congratulations on Appropriating Disasters for Your Own Inane Purposes!

After a natural disaster strikes, or an unnatural disaster, or a random spike of spiteful chance, there's really only one thing to do: get fuckin'.  But sometimes bitches don't wanna fuck.

"My dad died in the twin towers!" one of them might say.

"My child is in that building still!" another might whine.

Bitches, man, right?

Well, you're gonna make sure that you're in a place where the only people you're around have as little to lose as you do come next news-making disaster of staggering proportion.  But in order to do so, you'll have to engineer a massive disaster (sewage treatment plant you work at malfunctions in such a way that it spews diarrhea on a nearby school full of children with Down's Syndrome) and then post up and wait for the tears to roll out and the poon to flow.

When news breaks in the shithole bar you've set yourself up in, a woman next to you will start crying right out the gate.  You'll lay your hand on her shoulder and whisper in her ear.

"Baby, I'm sorry those kids are covered in diarrhea but those little retards will be fine eventually, and I think we should go and make ourselves a little retardo baby of our own."

She'll look at you, punch you in the face, and then shout:

"MY SON ATTENDS THAT SCHOOL, AND MY HUSBAND OWNS THAT SEWAGE TREATMENT PLANT!  YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, YOUNG MAN!"

Then she'll stomp out the door, into the harsh light of day, framed, as she leaves, by the looming diarrhea cloud spreading across the skyline.

You'll look at the bar tender then shrug.

"Bitches, right?"

Congratulations on Appropriating Disasters for Your Own Inane Purposes!

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Super Nerd Sundays Presents: Learning Systems Revisited!



I teach for a living.  It's a strange occupation, to be sure, one I never thought I'd be engaged in, but I've found that I've got a taste for it: the truly grueling failures, the tentative, small successes as students eke forward, grow as people and then, eventually leave your care, hopefully prepared for at least part of what life's going to throw at them.  When I first started teaching, a little over a year ago, I wrote an SNS on how game theory had influenced my student policies, and how I tried to use game mechanics like feedback support as a mechanism for student engagement.

It failed miserably.

Lately, however, I've been trying something new.  I've been giving students hyper-directive feedback about objectives.  That isn't to say that I'm telling them how they should think, or what they should think - while that's unfortunately an all too common practice in education, I find it pretty reprehensible and counterproductive.  No, I'm simply telling students what I want them to get out of each lesson at the end of each lesson.  I watch them attempt a task, present them with feedback, and then discuss, very directly, their performance at said task.

The end result is a relatively high level of student engagement: my students do their work, they employ the feedback I'm presenting them with, and they consider what I'm saying as relevant, rather than vaguely impressionistic bullshit (a potential problem that can emerge from less directive teaching approaches).  Previously, I gave them a performative framework that they could track their progress within, a percentage meter of the course that they could watch gradually fill up.  That failed miserably.  Now, I hit them again with each point, like the end scene of a tutorial, or like a repetitive objective in a game, and the result?  So far, an engaged, attentive classroom that manages the tasks I set them at deftly, and is rapidly improving at learning.

By presenting a transparent goal system, rather than presenting a transparent feedback system, I'm giving my students something concrete to lean on while they study.  I'm making often abstract discussions very, very concrete by solidifying them around one or several goals.

There are rogue data points, but I'm struck by just how effective this method of direct intervention (without directive practice) has been so far, particularly because it's a marvelous way to condition players in video games to be totally unable to solve problems.

In video games, directive objectives, when exposed, tend to make players either feel stupid or lead about by the nose.  Consider a game like Mirror's Edge, hyper-directive in its objectives and its calcification of lessons through objective oriented play and dictation.  Mirror's Edge, after listing off objectives out the wazoo and highlighting relevant environmental frameworks for your playing-ease, ends in an unsatisfying series of puzzle rooms built on those previous objective-lessons which, without the framing that the objective lessons themselves had, are incoherent messes of play.  ID first person shooters are similar, presenting samey gameplay concepts that drive home a single point, reinforcing that point each time, until the game is changed, the stakes are raised, or the context is shifted.  Then, post-context shift, players, who might normally expect a specific lesson, are left to feel out how to blow up the Macron by circle-strafing or charge the Hellcube to tear off bits of the Cyberdaemon.  Assassin's Creed: Revelation's strategy mini-game, which vascilates between piss-easy objective-lesson missions and controller-snappingly-hard pissing in the dark slamming your head against a wall missions is an even better example: the lessons condition you to expect a particular kind of play, based around a single issue, or a new kind of issue, and instead players are simply given a challenge that violates the lessons they were previously taught.

These games are, for lack of a better term, dumb.  Their gameplay and lessons are often quite shallow, and they manifest briefly.  They occur in broad, repetitive systems that draw themselves out through arena setups and repeats.  What's worse, their lessons often make players feel either coddled or extremely dumb, a less than ideal sensation.

Compare this to the way that games like Portal present lessons.  Portal is, at its heart, a game that is constantly teaching you things without telling you just what it wants you to learn.  The end result is that you, as a player, always feel like you're cheating a system by making a discovery or learning a new trick.  When the game finally jumps its rails, it's doing so to literalize the process it's been having you engage in over the course of the game as a whole: the systems, it's time to fucking tear them down.

That kind of learning curve would be ideal in a classroom, but it's tough, really tough, in part because it would require normalizing a non-normalized process.  Portal's brevity is a strength, and it's a strength that allows a struggling player to spend an hour on a puzzle without feeling dumb.  The game, which can be finished in a little less than an hour, can be stretched out, its lessons extended tediously, without feeling tedious.  You aren't in Portal for enough time to actually start to hate it, to grow frustrated at its various systems.

In a classroom, this simply isn't tenable.  Ideally, it would be: you'd be able to have each and every student take as long as they need to achieve each objective, and you'd be able to provide them with directive and non-directive support to that end as needed.  But the reality is that, especially teaching college classes, I have about two hours a week where I've got active, engaged students who are sitting down and absorbing whatever wacky lesson I'm throwing at them, at best.  Usually less.  And students who absorb less quickly, who I entrust quicker learners to bring up to speed, might still not get what's going on by the end of any given class.

So I highlight objectives.  I make it clear that you were supposed to use the rocket launcher to shoot down the Combine helicopter, even though they could've used the gravity gun to throw its mines back at it, or that Swift's use of satire in "A Modest Proposal" was largely unsuccessful, even if it is fun to read, and even though it has sustained itself in our literary subconscious to this day.  I can't say it's perfect.  I can't even say for certain that it works well (though so far, so good, fingers crossed).  Even then, I've got an exceptionally strong crop of students that might skew my data already.

The psychological divide fascinates me.  Perhaps its owed to the structure of play, which is something the classroom rejects quite fiercely.  It is challenging for students to "play" with their thoughts as they, often non-voluntarily, take credits for general requirements, usually after emerging from a public school system which more closely resembles a framework for a particular kind of socialization than an educational framework.  Regardless, the more effectively I can reinforce my lessons, the clearer I can make my intended objectives for my "players," the better.  Now, if only I could find a way to make my paper assignments look like boss-fights.

That might be fun.