Congratulations Merkin Mike!

You know what, Merkin Mike?  You're an alright dude.  Some people might call you a "vile, detestable pervert," but we think you're kind of a hero.  You provide society with an absolutely crucial service: fake pubic hair.

"Is fake pubic hair really necessary?" some might ask.

"Yes," you'd respond, effectively ending the conversation.

Today, you're going to sit down and, while going over your finances, discover that fake pubic hair sales have been higher than ever, thanks to an aggressive marketing campaign, a rash of lice that swept through Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and, for some reason, Michelle Obama.  We're not entirely clear how that last one factored in to your sales, but people seem to love that lady, and you've been selling a lot of "bushes with bangs" ever since she rocked them back at the State of the Union address.

You'll sit down with your common law husband later tonight to sort out just how to spend your money, and he'll come up with the idea of throwing a huge party where people do a bunch of nitrous and fuck like rabbits.

You'll high five him, and, within a week, be celebrating another boom in merkin sales, thanks largely to Merkin Mike's Magic Orgy, which will somehow end up on the internet, and convince the people who buy merkins, almost all of whom are pervs, that you're a pretty cool dude.

Congratulations Merkin Mike!