Thursday, February 28, 2013

Congratulations Spanish Language Television Star!



When you rise from your bed you’ll know something is wrong right away.  Your hand will shoot up to your face and you’ll feel your lip: smooth.

Horror will grip you.  You’ll throw off your sheets and shuffle to your bathroom to get a good look at yourself in the mirror.  Sure enough, your mustache will be gone.

You’ll get in your shower, still wearing your clothes, and turn on the water.  As you stand underneath the water the weight of your clothes will become more and more apparent to your consciousness.  As they grow heavier and heavier, you’ll consider what your trip to the set would be like.

The points.  The laughs.  The conversation with the director.  As the fantasy becomes more and more detailed you’ll begin taking off your clothes without thinking about it.  You’ll step out of the shower, still wet, and walk back to your bedroom leaving wet footprints across the floor.

You’ll reach into the table by the side of your bed and pull out your gun without thinking.  You’ll feel the weight in your hand and know it’s loaded.  The barrel will go in your mouth and you’ll pull the trigger without hesitation.

The world will go dark.

When the paramedics find you, following a call from your neighbor, they’ll feel a sadness when they turn over your body, but it won’t be until they see your face and realize what has transpired that their sadness will turn to horror.

“Where did his mustache go?” they’ll ask one another in Spanish.

There will be no answer to give meaning or reason to this horrible day.

Congratulations Spanish Language Television Star!

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Congratulations Tom Trouble!



When you were born your momma thought about changing your name.  She knew that with a name like Tommy Trouble there was only one way for you to turn out.  She also “knew” that the moon landing was faked and that the government had teleportation technology, though.  So she wasn’t a terribly reliable source.

Sure enough, you grew up nice and scrawny, a young man straight out of UCSC with a degree in economics and history.  You settled into a nice entry level job at a firm where you engage in “financial advising,” which consists mostly of you looking at patterns in financial markets and occasionally making adjustment to client portfolios so that you can optimize long term growth while minimizing potential risk to investment.

You’re pretty okay at it.  Not spectacular, but good enough to keep your job and get promoted a few times, usually around once every three years.   As time drifted on you helped your mom settle into a comfortable, honest nursing home where you visit her once every week or so, less when things get busy around the office.

But today all that’s going to change.  Today you’re going to be lining up the potential earnings and comparing it to the overall risk estimates in the market at present and you’re going to realize, in a stroke of genius, that the calculations that you’ve been using to estimate market peaks and valleys are actually based on pre-2007 numbers and, as such, aren’t terribly relevant to the current economic climate.  You’ll mention this to your boss and propose a set of new variables and calculations, which he’ll review and find both adequate and accurate.

‘Nice work, Trouble,” he’ll say.

You’ll smile and nod in response before leaving his office and returning to your cubicle to go over your numbers anew, double checking to see if you’ve made any errors about potential risk factors in blue chip tech stocks.

Congratulations Tom Trouble!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Congratulations Jewish Werewolf!



You’ve been at this a long time, struggling to pay bills and get skills, but today, most joyous of days, is going to be the day when you finally complete rabbinical school.

We’d like to claim that we know just went on during your “rabbi final” as we’ve been informed it’s called, but really we don’t have a fucking clue.  We assume it was pretty great, since Jews are renowned partiers.  We can’t see anything inside of any rabbinical schools thanks to a special “Jewish time field” that rabbis, at some point in their training, learn to project in order to prevent any kind of prognostication invading their private sacred spaces.

We do know that, later that night, after leaving the rabbinical ceremony, you’ll crane your neck and howl at the light of the full moon before briefly breakdancing.  Since you’re a werewolf, that’s kind of your thing, but most jobs frown upon that kind of behavior.

But the Jewish faith, concerned with losing young Jews to the “hip” religion of Scientology, are trying to change their image.  And as an extreme, breakdancing werewolf, you’re the perfect message delivery system for a new kind of Jew: a Jew who isn’t afraid to dance in public.

Also, you look fucking adorable with those little curly things coming down from behind your ears.

We’re still not sure what those are called.

Congratulations Jewish Werewolf!

Monday, February 25, 2013

Congratulations on Losing That Fucking Farm!



When the creditors ride up you’ll be holding your hat in your hands, grinning.  It’ll be tough to keep from dancing you’ll be so god damn excited.  When they open their car doors and step out on to the walkway, dour looks fixed upon their faces, you won’t be able to contain yourself.  You’ll break and run down the drive, smashing into the lead creditor with a big old bear hug.

At first he’ll push you away, thinking you’re trying to tackle him, but as he hears your laughter and feels your erection pushing against his leg he’ll calm down, go limp and wait for the whole affair to end.

When you finally back away you’ll be smiling, big and bright as you ever have.

“Tell me you have the paperwork,” you’ll squeal.  They’ll nod solemnly.

“This isn’t an easy day so we understand if you-“

By the time he’s even halfway through his sentence you’ll have all the papers signed and you’ll be running down the road to where you parked your Mazda Miayata, out past the gravel.  You’ll laugh throughout the entire run, and once you get into your car you’ll start it up with one deft key turn, lean out the window and shout:

“SUCK IT NERDS!”

Then you’ll peel out into the road, chuckling to yourself, thinking about the dumbass state trying to find a use for all that fucking farm land out there.  You’ll think about your fuckface dad, who made you take over the family farm and your bitchy mom who died and left you alone to deal with daily farm upkeep and management issues.  You’ll grimace and flip the bird at the corn fields as you drive away from them, pausing only to insert your favorite Queen tape into your aging tape deck and crank the volume.

You’ll set a course for Seattle, where you hope to find a job “temping or some bullshit,” as you put it.  It’ll be the start of a whole new chapter in your life.

Congratulations on Losing That Fucking Farm!

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Super Nerd Sundays Presents: Dungeons and Dragons and Great Success Says Borat!



Dungeons and Dragons happened.  It happened, and it was glorious.

There were problems – any decent D&D game is just rife with problems and solving those problems is where the fun of the game comes from.  Players did unexpected things, they didn’t move with the story the way I’d hoped they would and getting to know the rules of the game took a solid half an hour.  The first encounter took three hours from set up to finish – not unbelievable, considering there were six players, but still pretty heavy, even if t was for a group of, by and large, non-D&D players.

And frankly, the minis?  Made a huge difference.

Even though pieces from Last Night On Earth ended up taking over for D&D minis, players remained raptly focused on the board in the moments where they snapped back from table talk.  The combat was readily trackable and comprehensible and the maps made for a nice, neat playing surface bereft of ugly pencil marks.

The end result was a group that, even when they were distracted or rolled poorly, remained engaged.  They could always come back to the board, pick themselves out of the array of characters and make their next move.  That the group consisted mostly of gamers and that Fourth Edition strongly resembles a tactics game should be mentioned, of course, but the lightest gamers, the most board gamer oriented of the party, were those most engaged.

So the encounter went well.  Very well, actually.  But what really surprised me wasn’t that.  It was that, after the encounter, my group began to get into the actual roleplaying of talking to a tavern keeper.  Granted, we were all drunk, but people who didn’t know Dungeons and Dragons from Settlers of Catan were asking incisive questions, trying to uncover what was going on with the group that had attacked the caravan they were protecting and scoping out the town.  They investigated corpses with aplomb and, when it came to getting back to the caravan, they actually got into questions and rewards.  It ran better than all but one of the sessions I’ve run to date, and if it had continued on a weekly basis, it would’ve continued running well.

I’m convinced the minis hooked the players in, but a lot also has to be said for a group that wants to be playing a game sitting down and just having fun with it.  A group of players who want to get into trophy one upsmanship so that one of them cuts off a kobold head and hangs it from his belt and another wears a bunch of kobold dicks around his neck is going to have some great table chemistry, even if they’re going to get some stares in town.  Occupying the characters and fleshing them out is a huge part of falling into the game.

One of the players, the bachelor boy’s brother, took his character, for example, and invented an entire back story based on his views on what a repressed homosexual rogue might want to do after growing up scrawny and dexterous (gain mass and open up a gym where bros can really be bros).  His character, named by me, actually had the most Jewish name I could think of at the time, so this turned into a fucking hilarious incongruity that made everything his player did hilarious.

Another player, shafted into playing a halfling, jumped on to another player’s shoulders and rode him, through around five or six skill challenges, until he tired of riding his metal steed around.  This let me work in a few extra skill checks during the battle while also giving me an outlet to reward players for creative play, which is possibly the best part of being a DM.  Controlling monsters and telling stories is all good and well, but letting people break the rules for creativity’s sake, coming up with a new way to codify that “violation,” which really constitutes more of an improvement, then giving them bonus experience points and combat advantage for doing unexpected things is a good time for all.

The only real issues came from the long term players who, as before, spent a lot of time playing at PAX events.  Accustomed to GenCon DMing, one of them played rules mongering again, while also metagaming heavily.  He pulled the early move of complaining that rules were being arbitrated incorrectly, which isn’t necessarily wrong, but represents an ethos that doesn’t quite fit Dungeons and Dragons strengths – D&D isn’t about a ruleset so much as about using a ruleset as a frame to promote player interaction.  When he was in the encounter he was engaged, but poor rolls made him turn from excited to sullen quickly, and after the encounter he complained that I spent too much time describing things – most of what a DM does, but a valid complaint in many ways as well: I do talk a lot about each hit and miss and movement.  I want to give my players a story.

In the end a lot of groundwork was laid in a relatively short session, and while everyone needed a break at the end (three hours sitting down is a long fucking time) everyone ended the game with a smile, or Bostonian approximation thereof, on their face.  Even my rulesmongering player seemed happy, more or less, with the encounter and, once he entered the bar, took off his dick necklace and talked to NPCs.

What shocked me most wasn’t that minis helped to address combat disengagement in large games.  That was something I expected.  What shocked me most was that players got into the skill checks and conversations in the game as much as they did with little to no prompting from me.  I had my players rolling checks from the get go, and within three hours they were streetwising it up in the shithole burg they ended up in, making religion checks to uncover the nature of religious symbols they found on corpses and scrying those symbols fruitlessly for magical energy.  The minis did more than just give combat a set of structure and rules: they got players into the meat of a Dungeons and Dragons game: the moments between combat.