Congratulations Vomiting Model!

Most models have eating disorders.  That statement there borders on tautology.  But most models hide their eating disorders: they pretend that they remain waifishly thing while gobbling down vodka tonics and do their best to hide their purges in the bathrooms of the most famous of nightclubs, under the veil of cocaine binges.

Not you.  You own your perpetual vomiting.  You have a t-shirt that prominently displays your vomiting face.   You’ve been the face of milk of ipecac for two years now, the face of “drink responsibly” ads for one and a half and the face of bulimia warnings for six months.  You’ve made a living out of throwing up in the public eye.

You’ve made a good living at it, too.  You’ve presented your vices admirably and made no excuses for them.  You simply represent an aspect of life, however ugly, and do your best to make it, if not beautiful, true.  But it’s kept you, for better or worse, in a niche: you’re the model who works for and presents the cause of various vomiting groups.

Well, today all that’s going to change.  Today you’re going to get a phone call from your agent. Your agent will have a job for you: a job you never thought you’d get.

The front of a box of Kashi cereal.

“Kashi wants to accent that their cereal is really easy to stomach.  Their new slogan is going to be ‘Kashi: Eat it and you won’t vomit!’  ‘Good Friends’ was alienating a lot of the lonely seniors who eat it,” she’ll explain.  You’ll tell her that you’ll take it and, forty minutes later, you’ll be in front of the lights and the cameras and the hair and make-up crew vomiting into a waste basket next to a smiling young man who is meant to be taken as your husband or sexual partner or co-habitant who will be enjoying a nice big bowl of Kashi.

The message, of course: Kashi is part of a balanced breakfast that won’t make you vomit.

This will be the beginning of a new era for you.  As you shove your head into a wastebasket and retch your eyes will flash, not just with sparks at the edge of your vision, but with visions of your future: ads for probiotic yogurt, fish, cheese, milk, eggs.  Ads where you vomit next to attractive people, showcasing how wholesome their foods are.

As you vomit these thoughts will make your mouth curl into a smile – this will be the shot that makes the front of the box.  This will be the shot that makes your future.

Congratulations Vomiting Model!