Congratulations on Filing Down Your Teeth!

Dating in the modern world is tough.  You've got to find some way to make yourself stand out (peacocking, as douchebags call it) without making it obvious to everyone around you that you're a douchebag (masking, as douchebags call it).  To date in this day and age is to walk a fine line, a line of trickery, deceit, and profoundly postured interesting-ness.

You're terrible at striking this balance.  You've tried funny hats, but they make you look like an asshole, so you've tried a elephant man mask, but that went too far in the other direction and made people just assume you were an asocial freak of nature.

Today, you're going to hit the balance after talking to your dentist about the prospect of filing down your teeth so you look like some sort of "beast man."

"I wouldn't advise it," your dentist will say.

"FUCK YOU DAD!" you'll shout at him as you leave his office to find the cosmetic dentist who agreed to do the work.

Two days later, you'll be sitting pretty with a set of chompers that look like they can rip flesh from bone.  You'll be posted up at the bar, laughing at a joke you said inside your own head, when a lady in a black skintight dress, material straining to contain her breasts, walks up to you and runs her hand along your neck.

"I wanna be your vampire queen," she'll mumble into your ear.

"If you get less fat," you'll quip back before putting a nickel in your mouth and biting through it.

She'll start blowing you right then and there at the bar.  When you finally get your act together enough to get dressed after the bouncers throw you and her out on to the street, you'll hail a cab and, while she kisses you and you, horrified, try not to grind your teeth out of nervousness, you'll make your way back to your studio apartment.

There, she'll rip off your clothes and begin savaging you.  Unfortunately, a lack of experience and exercise will make the entire session pretty disappointing.  You'll come in moments, leaving her frustrated, even depressed that she didn't get her nut after throwing herself at you in such a wonderfully depraved fashion.

Lucky you, depression is kind of her thing, and she'll decide to start dating you, along with six other guys, five of whom are just as disappointing as you, one of whom works in IT and has an abnormally large penis.

Congratulations on Filing Down Your Teeth!