Congratulations Figure Skating Secret Agent!

Landing the triple sow-cow will be the easiest thing you do today.  As the crowd surges in adulation, you'll think ahead, imagining how the plan will unfold, how you'll creep into the Russian diplomat's sleeping quarters and sever his head using an ice skate.  You'll think of the mess, the escape, as you balletically throw yourself from his window to escape his guards, in a fashion not unlike the way you'll be balletically throwing yourself across the ice right now.  You'll imagine, for a few moments, that the crowd cheering for you now is cheering for you this evening, that they are cheering in anticipation of the success of your mission.

But you know that isn't true.  You know that they know nothing of what your life is truly like, that their adulation, like the love of your parents, your husband, and your dog, is rooted in a fundamental lack of awareness of who you actually are, what you actually do, and how you make your living.  They'll never know of the lengths you've gone to to accomplish your missions, to avoid capture.

They'll just know the spray of ice on your freshly sharpened skates, the swoosh of your tassels in motion.  They won't know about how, when things go wrong tonight, you'll hurl a skate across the room and into the brain of one of the diplomat's bodyguards, killing him instantly before leaping gracefully on to his cohort and murdering him with your incredibly muscular thighs.  They won't know about how you cut off the Russian diplomat as he begs for mercy with a bullet to his skull from the second bodyguard's gun.  They won't know about how you'll burn the bodies of the guards in acid so that there's no evidence that they were killed, leaving their families with a lifetime of doubt and the authorities with strong suspicion that they murdered the man they were meant to protect and fled to South America to live out the rest of their lives in hiding.

They won't know the real you, but we do, and we love you all the same.  You're really hot, and you make figure skating a lot less boring.  We just wish you weren't married, is all.

Congratulations Figure Skating Secret Agent!