Congrations to the Groom!

Perhaps an Aztec temple isn’t where you thought you’d be getting married.

Perhaps you didn’t want to be wed in full, period accurate pirate garb.

And perhaps you didn’t ever really want to marry Kelly McKinnes.

But on January 15th, in the heat of the South American summer, the two of you are going to be wed under, more or less, these circumstances (there’s a slight chance she’ll request costumes from the Tudor period. She’s an SCA member).

Kelly, as you know, has loved you for years. She’s never been subtle about it, but you’re a thick son of a bitch so you’ve didn't really noticed it until recently, around the same time you started to notice her friend, Claire.

Claire looks a little bit like what you’d call a “punk rock pinup.” She doesn’t wear make-up or anything, and she isn’t particularly punk. But she is very indie. She makes her own clothes and wears canvas shoes, and the music she likes is a lot like the music you like.

Look, we’ve established you’re thick, so we're going to come out and tell you how it is. You love Claire. You loved her since the first day you ever saw her. But Claire had a boyfriend. That is, until recently, when she caught her boy of six years cheating on her with her cousin, Mary. Mary, by the way, will not be invited to the wedding. Claire’s boyfriend will have received an invite months ago, but will have the good taste not to come.

So a newly single Claire will be attending the lie of a wedding you’re getting into with the girl you never really felt much for until she started to make you feel important. And what’s more, she’ll be flirting with you. She knows you’re thick so she’ll say things like “I wish some dashing guy would just get me out of this bridesmaid’s dress and fuck the misery out of me” and “Chris, I think I have feelings for me that you reciprocate and I honestly think this wedding is a mistake” just to make sure you get the message.

You’re having trouble reading her, and you’ll be baffled throughout the ceremony. It’ll all go smoothly up to the exchange of vows. Exactly as everyone in our office as well as your bride to be expects.

This is one of those points of divergence Ted Chiang wrote about in Stories of Your Life. There is a maximum for happiness and a maximum for sorrow here. You have to make a choice.

On the ruined steps of that ancient temple you’ll stand there facing Kelly and just behind her will be Claire. Kelly and Claire both know what’s going on, even though they haven’t talked about it directly. Unlike you they’re not oblivious. They still value their friendship but they both know that whoever ends up with you will never see the other again.

They’ll both have tears welling in their eyes. They’ll know you’re the best and worst thing that could’ve ever happened to either of them. And they’ll see the choice before you more clearly than even you can.

You can marry Kelly. As we said, predictions following these events are foggy at best, destiny still being unresolved, but it looks like you’ll have three children, a high paying job and a labrador retriever. You will die in your sleep at an old age surrounded by the things you have collected over a lifetime you can take pride in.

If you don’t marry Kelly you’re going to walk out of the ruins and Claire is going to follow you into the jungle. She’s going to jump your bones and it’ll be fucking great and, at some point, an anaconda will attack you.

If it was just you, you’d be fucked, but Claire is an expert machete fighter and with her around we’d give you a fifty-fifty chance. On a related note, she is a very amazing woman. But so is Kelly, in her own right. After all they've both endured your idiocy and saw through it to something wonderful.

There is, however, a third option.

When the pagan priest in his colorful robes asks you if you take Kelly as your yada yada you know this already, say “Say whaaaat” as loud as you can.

The entire wedding will burst out laughing while you stand there looking baffled. Then a toucan will land on your head and you’ll smile. Freeze frame on the smile and then roll end credits.

The last one is a terrible choice, but it remains yours to make.

So congratulations to the groom. As always there is no right choice. There are simply choices. Whichever you make remember you must live with it always.