Congratulations on Avoiding Divorce!

You and your wife have been going through a rough spat of late, so when the idea of this cruise came up you thought it would be the perfect way to breath a little life back into your marriage.

Things have been, at best, tepid sexwise for the last few months and you’ve begun to suspect she’s cheating on you after finding used condoms in your bedroom trash can (this is actually because you use Ambien; we’ve written about this before for different people, but it isn’t a miracle drug).

So you’ll browbeat her into taking two weeks off so the two of you can go on a lavish cruise, the theme of which is “Get Your Spark Back.”

But as it turns out the cruise is little more than a thinly veiled front for swingers. After less than a week the two of you will each have cheated on your spouse four times, and you’ll both believe the other has no idea.

Suffice it to say this has added to the strain on your marriage. If you didn’t think you’d divorce before you’re positive you will now.

It will all finally come to a head when you confess your affairs to her. She’ll be horrified and won’t admit hers. She’ll start throwing things at you, anything she can find in the room. Pillows, lamps, clothing.

Eventually she’ll reach under the bed, pull out a discarded condom and hit you with it. You haven’t had sex in this room since you boarded boat and you’ve stopped taking Ambien on your doctor’s orders after it caused “nightmare visions of the future.”

Suffice it to say you’ll flip shit and call her a bitch, then slap her. Your wife is sort of weird, and this is really going to get her wet so she’ll be all over you. Even though you just found out she’s cheating you’re pretty weak willed in general, so you’re going to go for it.

It’ll be some of the crazy, angry sex you both love so much and it’ll make you really happy while you’re doing it but once you’re finished you’ll realize that your sex, like your marriage, isn’t healthy. It will be unsatisfying, frustrating, and violent in ways that make you question your sanity.

So you’re going to storm out of your room in your boxers while your wife lies in bed, sexually sated by your aggression. You’ll stand there in your underwear, staring out at the sea wondering how you got to this point, surrounded by forty-somethings exploring each other’s bodies.

This is how you will be twenty minutes later when the ship is attacked by a giant squid. You’ll have seen it in an Ambien fueled dream a few days earlier, but you never thought it would come true.

You and a handful of others will survive the attack by leaping off the ship before the leviathan pulls it down, but your wife will not be so lucky. She, along with most of the couples and crew, will be dragged to a watery grave.

But on the upside her death will allow you to avoid any fees associated with the litigation that would’ve been forthcoming if she’d made it back to shore. So congratulations on avoiding divorce, man.

Oh, also, if you want to keep taking Ambien and want a job send us your résumé. We’re always looking for new talent.