Congratulations on Driving a Subaru!

Congratulations! People who canvas believe that your preference in Japanese car manufacturers makes your more likely to put up with their bullshit and give money to their causes, and they’re often proven correct.

Also, statistics show that you’re probably a stable homosexual in a fulfilling relationship. The state may or may not recognize you and your partner as married under common law. Google “blue state gay index” to get a good idea, although following November 4th, a lot has changed. Fivethirtyeight.com might have some statistics on it, christ knows they have them for everything else.

But these are both statements about who you are, or probably are, and not about the horrible future that awaits you. So let’s dive right in!

Tomorrow your daughter will become teen pregnant. I’m not talking 19 years old teen pregnant, where maybe its a shotgun wedding but they end up really happy. No. Your thirteen year old daughter is going to get knocked up.

Even if she isn’t sexually active she’s going to be preggers like whoa (Jewish families pay attention here, it could be important). Even if you’re a same sex couple I guarantee that your adoption paperwork is going to come through tomorrow and you’re going to get an adorable little Vietnamese girl who turns out to be eighty-six pounds of trouble and baby.

Also, you’ll think she’s just really fat when she shows up on your doorstep and mistreat her as such. Learn some Vietnamese first so she can easily communicate that she had a child with an elderly man she didn’t love in an effort to secure his hand in marriage, but that he overdosed on black tar heroin and she was forced to flee through an adoption agency that also sells teen brides.

You’ll also get along better if you show an active interest in her culture. It’s common sense.

Anyhow, consider all your options and think carefully about what this means to your family. Also, as we said, Jewish parents, keep an eye on your daughter’s vag. There could be some messiah action in your household, and one of the wise men will actually be George Burns’ zombie.

I know. How sweet is that!

Anyhow, only couples with thirteen year old children or seeking to adopt need concern themselves with today’s post. And congratulations on driving a Subaru! You brought this on yourself, you self-righteous douche.

On the bright side it could be a lot worse. Tomorrow everyone who drives or rides in a Ford Windstar is going to get AIDS.