Congratulations on Removing the Foreign Object!

Family members were shocked, medical professionals baffled. Senators were moved to draft new legislation, all because you had to see if it would fit.

What will it be?

That’s a little hard to say. So many things find their way up there: wedding rings, penises, shark bites, key chains, and, of course, dildos.

But we’re loathe to reveal just what it is before the end of the post. Instead we’re going to talk around it and give you hints to see if you can guess it. Try it at the end of each paragraph.

It’s not alive.

That’s right! It’s not Whiskers, your adorable pet rat, who’s going up your colon on Friday night. It’s also not sharp.

You’ve got it. The can opener is going to go up there without a hitch. It's also not made of wood.

That clears all of next week, sure. That means the plunger, those braided chair legs, even your precious wooden tiki from Malakaloa are all kosher with your rectum. So here’s our last clue: it belonged to your mother.

Still don’t have it? Well, we’re glad you’ll be surprised. And congratulations on removing the foreign object. You’ve got a pretty amazing healthcare package.

PS – It’s a vintage Atari 2600 joystick. Your mom was really cool and you need to slow down on this habit.