Congratulations on Playing World of Warcraft for Another Month!

For most people the $15 subscription cost wouldn’t be quite such a hurdle, but you’re a full blown addict. I don’t mean to say that you play WoW to the exclusion of all other social interaction; that goes without saying. I’m saying that you play WoW to the exclusion of almost all other activity.

You’ve been living off of canned goods you stockpiled in 1998 after your roommate showed you Dawn of the Dead and you started to scream that “they were coming.” It isn’t unusual for you to just piss in the corner in lieu of losing precious seconds of leveling time.

It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so pathetic. Your savings have bottomed out completely now and you can’t even pay your rent and internet, let alone the minimal credit card payment required to keep playing. You even stopped paying for heat, since “it was always warm in Azeroth.”

With the impending financial disaster you’ll have finally hit rock bottom. You’ll log off for the first time in nine months and emerge from your tiny apartment into the blinding light of the hallway just outside of your apartment.

You’ll wander through your upscale apartment building, gradually adapting to the florescent lights, until you reach your destination: the apartment occupied by your landlord.

Your landlord is an old blind man named One Tooth, who spent most of his life in and out of the army, and he’s lonely. So when you show up and offer to blow him so you can get ten dollars and free rent, he’ll scratch his grizzled chin for a few moments before nodding his wizened head.

Thirty-five minutes and twenty two seconds later you’ll leave his apartment, a little more ashamed but ready to play WoW for another month. You don’t know if you’ll end up doing this every month, but that really doesn’t matter. There are purples dropping and you’re AFK. You’ll rush through the hallways until you get back to your keyboard, where you discover that nothing has happened in your absence.

Congratulations on playing World of Warcraft for another month. We’re all very impressed by your multiple level 80s, and none of us can fathom why your wife didn’t keep a winner like you around.