Congratulations on No Longer Riding the Rails!

Well, we racked our brains to find you doing something dumber than running away from your awesome, liberal parents who used to invite you to smoke pot and let you drink fifteen year old whiskey at dinner and it turns out there were lots of things. We were sort of surprised but your life over the next few years will consist of failure after failure.

It’s a miracle you’re alive, but as it turns out you’re some sort of retarded Highlander. All of the stupid shit you do seems like it should kill you, but none of it will. We’d rather not take away from any one stupid decision, so we’re going to delicately omit all of them right now and just go on to the best decision you’re going to make over the next few years after we impart a few important pieces of advice.

First, avoid sleeping in sewer pipes. We know you liked TMNT, but seriously. Who the fuck does that?

Second, pack extra socks. You’ll never be sorry you packed extra socks, and who knows, they might save your life. That is, if you weren’t immortal.

Third, fire. Keep it close to you, master it and it will be your tool in the darkness to come. I’m sorry I can’t go on, but I’ve very nearly said too much.

And now, on to your future.

The wisest choice you’ll be making in the next 7-14 years, free will determining, will be your choice to stop riding the rails. Maybe you’ll go back to your parent’s place, or maybe you’ll settle in the tranquil town of Superior, Montana. Hey, maybe you’ll even end up on Jeopardy and take down enough money to kick back your heels and relax for the rest of your life.

But you’ll make the decision the same way regardless of what you choose to do.

You’ll be over 18 walking down the side of the road in Arizona. You’ve been hanging out in reservations there ever since you accidentally popped up on the grid buying cigarettes and your parents tried to track you down. You needed to get somewhere state law enforcement couldn’t touch, and fast.

After shacking up with several truckers you’ll be headed to your next destination when it’ll hit you that your rebellion will have taken far more effort than actually living up to your potential ever could’ve. You’ll feel a tinge of regret, largely because you don’t realize you’re immortal yet. But don’t worry.

When you realize that you’ve stopped aging at the ripe old age of 19 after that pissed off old Indian guy shot you in the chest with a magnum you’ll cheer up. Well, after you suffer a total breakdown because you realized you’ll have to watch all the people you know and love slowly waste way while you, timeless and indestructible, must endure their passing alone.

So congratulations on no longer riding the rails. It was a great decision, and whatever life you choose is going to be way, way better than trying to live like a 1920s era hobo in the era of Homeland Security.