Congratulations on Taking the LSATs!

You’re hardly the first person to take the test who doesn’t really have any business being there, but they’re usually stoners or college students with political science degrees. Homeless people generally can’t afford the test fee, and even if they could they’d find better things to spend it on, like whores.

But your father’s on his death bed, and you wanted to show him that you could’ve been something if he hadn’t turned you into a gay with all his “college education” and “physical contact,” so you’ve spent the last six month saving your nickels and you’re going to take that test come hell or high water.

Even getting to the testing center will be quite an adventure. You’ve been banned from the bus following a public urination incident, you can’t flag a taxi, and you only have one foot. But after a series of events culminating in you carjacking a young mother you’ll reach the test center with just enough time to complete check in.

You’ll sit down and power through the test, distracting the other test takers with your furious work ethic, occasionally verbal outburst, and terrible smell. You’ll finish in a quarter of their time and, sure enough, you’ll have scored in the 90th percentile. Turns out you’re some sort of homeless genius.

You’ll make the mother, who was lot less terrified after she found out you were just taking the LSATs and not buying crack, drive you to your father’s death bed, where you’ll wave the scores in his face. He’ll just smile and say “I always believed in you, son.” You’ll call him a faggot and pee in the corner of his room.

As a joke you’ll submit one of your free scores to Harvard, with your return address listed as “under the 205 overpass on Powell.” You’ll be shocked when a letter carrier arrives with a letter of acceptance from the esteemed university, along with a set of financial aid options.

Thus will begin your amazing career as the world’s first homeless lawyer. You’ll still be homeless, but you’ll own one suit that you’ll wear to trials, and you’ll actually be really good at your job. You’ll specialize in intellectual property law.

It will be a good life for you, and you and your best friend One Tooth will be drinking only the finest Thunderbird and sleeping in your new personal storage unit for years to come.

So congratulations on taking the LSATs. Easily the best choice you’ve made in a while.

There will be a major motion picture about your story made without your permission in the near future, by the way. Get your lawyerin’ shoes on, Wally. It's what you were born to do.