Congratulations on Breaking The Ties That Bind You!

Today you will unfetter yourself from the tightest bonds of all, those of family. You’ll be legally emancipated from your parents!

As a spunky tween it has been your dream for years to be out from under their controlling heel. Your mom is always on you to make boys use condoms when they ejaculate inside of you and your dad is all “work to your potential and you’ll go far, honey.” As if.

So after months in court rooms and a few white lies about your father taking pictures of you while you’re asleep and your mom collecting your hair you’ve finally rid yourself of those meddling adults. To celebrate, since they’re both currently in a county prison, I suggest having a huge rager at your house. Invite all your friends, and a bunch of people who aren’t your friends who you don’t really care for at all.

Next, get some abortions. Five or six should do. Have fun, but don’t go crazy. Too many abortions can tire a girl out and you’re going to want some energy for the last part...

Running away! For realsies this time!

Sure, you’ve run away before, but your parents always tracked you down and made you feel special. Without them around there’s no one to tell you your life is worth anything or that riding the rails is less a way to find yourself and more a way to be raped by hobos.

By the time the FBI realizes the evidence against your parents was falsified you’ll be long gone and, according to the police, likely dead (you dressed a homeless man in your clothes, pried out his teeth and set him on fire before running away. You’re a very industrious child).

So congratulations on breaking the ties that bind you! This was easily the worst decision you’ve made in your life so far, but that’s okay. You’re young and I’m sure you’ll do something even dumber in the years to come.

Tune in tomorrow for more on that, actually.