Congratulations! Over the last six days you’ve been drinking at a steady clip and now top scientists have come to agree with your assessment: you are so wasted dude.
It’s a great accomplishment for you, really it is. One of the greatest things you’ve done since the box factory let you go. And you’ve really committed yourself to it, too. Even when you weren’t sure it was a great idea you still got up and threw back a shot to get your day started.
But to be honest, it’s time to let it go. It’s nice to party for a week solid, especially when times are tough but… Well, your fake leg is starting to smell and your children are worried about you. You leave them a lot nowadays and they’re good at taking care of themselves, but they still love you. They don’t need you, but they love you.
I know, isn’t that so weird?
Anyhow pick yourself up out of the gutter, zip your fly back up and stumble to the nearest bus stop. We’re almost positive your aversion to tipping has left you with just enough petty cash for bus fare. And be sure to sit at the back. You smell fucking terrible. We cannot emphasize this enough.
And congratulations on getting totally fucking plastered. If we held awards for the “World’s #1 Dad” you would get our Wal-Mart mug.
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