Congratulations on Meeting Your Favorite Lava Monster!

You’ll be deep under the earth’s crust, where you all too often find yourself. As a scientist-explorer-inventor you’re always hanging out in weird places and doing crazy shit, and since your PhD is in experimental petrology a lot of this shit is in places filled with searing hot magma.

What’s usually lacking in these “hot spots” (yes, we’re proud of ourselves) is “smoldering” sexual tension. But that’s going to change when you meet the aptly named Corey, a creature of living rock with molten lava for blood who dwells with her brethren deep under the surface where they can make their rock art and brew unique beers in peace.

As a scientist all you want to do is to learn more about their society, their physical makeup and the geologic history of the rocks they’ve got down there.

Most people find you boring as fuckall, but the rock beasts will perceive you as a threat to their society. Were your findings ever published in a journal of scientific repute their isolated lifestyle would be destroyed. Scientists from all over would want to board your drillship and travel to their secret caves.

While some of them will consider the eco-tourism a positive possibility most of them will be kind of racist, and will think that the influx of scientists, specifically geologists, will bring naught but violent crime and a rapid increase in the number of liquor stores in their city.

They’ll sort of be right about the second one.

But in Corey you’re going to find a like mind. She’s going to teach you all about their unique geologic heritage and, because her people live for eons, you’re going to learn a lot about what really killed the dinosaurs and neat shit like that.

In exchange you will teach her a lot about surface conditions, astronomy, tigers, and brewing lagers, which are largely untenable in their hot climate.

Eventually this will enamor the other rock monsters to you and you’ll leave their Rockopolis to report your findings to the AGU.

You’ll be the toast of the organization and you’ll be responsible for fostering positive relations between the Magmoids (what Corey’s people refer to themselves as) and humans.

So congratulations on meeting your favorite lava monster. It’s going to be a pretty positive experience, except for the third degree burns.

Work on inventing some flame retardant condoms over the next few months and you’ll be all set, super-scientist.