Congratulations on Finding a Lump!

On your anniversary dinner you’ll give your scrotum a good scratch, itching from the fresh shave you gave yourself in preparation for the evening, and discover a strange, solid growth on your ball.

You won’t want to ruin the evening, so you’ll walk to the table still bouncing with each step. It won’t be until desert that your wife realizes that something is off.

She’ll put her spoon down on her plate next to the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Sundae and reach across the table to put her hand over yours. Looking in your eyes she’ll ask you, voice tinged with fear.

“What’s wrong, honey?”

You’ll smile at her and try to put on a brave face.

“Nothing. I’m just pretty full.”

Her eyes will turn down a little, a tinge of sadness coloring their usual gorgeous green. You can tell that she thinks there’s another woman in your life or some terrible secret on your shoulders. You know that telling her would set her at ease, horrible as the news is for you. But you won’t be able to.

You just can’t think of a way to put it, and whenever you try to put it to words your mouth will run dry and you’ll start to discuss the plot of a film. You’ll go through all three Bourne Films and most of Mullholland Drive before the check arrives.

By the end of the night she’ll be cold to you, a complete reversal from the morning when she jumped on top of you in bed with your boss on your cell phone, rubbing you through your pajamas and grinning devilishly.

You’ll awkwardly sit in your kitchen, drinking a glass of water and staring at the table until she finally comes in and stands in the doorway, blocking your only escape.

“What’s her name?” she’ll say, voice full of wrath. By her body language you know that if you don’t handle this just right you’ll end up with, at best, a broken collarbone. She’s done worse to you before for less. Remember the time you finished her Funyuns?

You know you’ve bungled it and you’ll be paralyzed by that fear as you all too often have been in life. She’ll ask two more times, voice growing colder with each repetition, before you can finally force it out.

“I found a lump.”

She’ll just look angrier at first, staring you down as if it was some sort of awful joke to deflect attention from your affair. But after a moment it will sink in. She’ll come to the table and hold you close, crushing your head against her breast with her remarkable strength.

“Oh god, honey. I’m so sorry.”

She’ll hold you there for an hour and a half stroking your hair and in her arms you’ll feel as if you’re safe from the whole big bad world.

Your wife is a remarkable woman. Buy her flowers spontaneously and be sure you tell her you love her often.

And congratulations on finding a lump. We hope it all turns out okay for you.