Congratulations on Completing Your Capstone!

After almost a decade as an undergraduate you’re finally going to prove your academic advisor, your parents, three of your ex-girlfriends and that one girl you hooked up with when you were really high wrong. You’re going to complete your senior capstone!

Thanks to your family’s largesse you’ve been able to remain in school across three presidential terms. While there you’ve shifted majors four times, completed enough courses to finish five minors and, oddly enough, not yet fulfilled your PE requirement.

But the recession has hit your folks hard and you’ve decided that the time has come for you to stop wasting their money on courses on how Georgia O’Keefe also thought about penises a lot and heroin and up and graduate so you can move back home, where you’ll be a slightly less significant fiscal burden.

So this last semester you’ve kicked it into overdrive. You’ve taken three whole classes, attended at least 40% of the classroom time those classes offer, and taken the majority of the tests for these classes. In instances where you failed to take a test you have either made it up or bribed the professor with what remains of your family’s financial clout.

And, at long last, you’re going to complete your capstone project in art history. None of your professors think much of you, so its going to be pretty fucking stupid (a power point presentation of O’Keefe’s paintings morphing into penises) but they’re going to give you a “fuck off” C anyway and you’ll be overjoyed.

So overjoyed you OD on heroin celebrating and have to be rushed to the hospital, missing one of your critical finals.

So it looks like its summer school for you, since “ODing on heroin” is not one of the acceptable reasons to miss a final. But congratulations on completing your capstone. We all knew someone like you in college, and its nice to know that sometimes things work out okay for you fuckheads.