Congratulations on Blinding Your Foe!

Wow. None of us thought you’d pull it off, but tomorrow afternoon you’re going to get sulfuric acid right in the eyes of one Professor Higginston, your primarily rival for grant funding from the NSF.

It will be quite an accomplishment, mostly because he’ll be very close to an eyewash station. He’ll beeline for it after you “accidentally” slip and cast the steaming beaker into his face, but you’ll also “accidentally” body check him into some glass, which will cut him up fierce and cripple his left hand.

We never thought you’d have the balls to do it, especially at work where there are so many safety precautions to keep just that from happening. But you did it perfectly. He’s not going to die, but his eyes will never work again. He’ll also be horribly disfigured.

So there’s a pretty good chance you’ll be able to score with his hot wife, Chezmerelda St. Claire. She’s a pretty big deal in the Biochemistry world, and you used to date before Higginston (that son of a bitch) stole her away from you.

There is a catch, though. With his eyes and body crippled and his sexual needs left unsatisfied, Higgz, as you refer to him on your blog, is going to get even better at sciencing.

All that energy he used to put into satisfying Chezzie (what you call her on your blog) he’s going to pour into new nucleotide theories and experiments. And it won’t be long before he ends up grabbing that Nobel prize, much to your chagrin.

He’ll be like the Daredevil of the bio world. Taking away his vision will just have given him new abilities to perceive science. So you’ll actually have done the world a favor in a strange way. Without your avarice he may never have found that upcoming cure for AIDS.

But for now he’s on the floor screaming. Better drag him to a chemical shower to make sure he can’t indict you for his injuries. He knows you hate him, and he’s got reasonable evidence on his side, so you really have to make sure it seems like an accident.

Congratulations on blinding your foe. Come the end of this financial quarter he’s still going to be in the recovery ward and you’re going to have enough ill-gotten federal funding to fill a small bathtub with one dollar bills and swim in it like Scrooge McDuck before you go off and buy some new pipettes.