Congratulations on Teaching Joe Rogan How to Love!

It’s well known that Joe Rogan, despite his rapidly advancing age, doesn’t know what love is. It’s not for lack of trying, he’s just been barking up bad trees, trees with legs that don’t quit that make sadness in his heart, constantly. And lately it’s been taking its toll on his work.

He’s been more of a dick in public and seems a lot less manly when he appears on re-runs of The Man Show and current episodes of Fear Factor (Joe Rogan exists simultaneously in all times, so however, he is now effects how he acts in all tapings, ever). So today you are going to enter the body of “romance therapist” and awkward person Doctor Drew Pinsky and, instead of giving the adequate, well intentioned, often totally wrong advice that Pinsky usually gives, you’re going to sit down with Joe Rogan and make balls-sloppy sex all over him.

You’ll start by caressing his butt. When Joe protests you’ll whisper in his ear “Don’t worry, I’m a doctor,” and that’ll shut him right up. Then you’ll put your hand on his before unbuttoning his pants and ramming your dick all up in that weird, smelly, tight, warm crevice we like to call “the magic button.”

You’ll be a little bit rough in there, and there’ll be a little tissue tearing after you thrust awkwardly a few times, so you’ll pull out right away and, to Rogan’s relief, slather some aloe-infused lubricant all over your dick and his gaping asshole. Then you’ll re-enter him and introduce Joe Rogan to a world of awkward, shameful delights over the course of the next sixteen minutes.

When you come inside him, he won’t protest or try to shrug you off. He’ll just let you hold him there for a few minutes, running your fingers over his nipples, letting your tongue linger inside his ear. As he sighs and relaxes in your arms he’ll feel, for the first time, complete.

Then you’ll phase out of Doctor Drew’s body and back into Tom Green’s body, where you’ll be miserable again. Doctor Drew will be confused and revolted by what he’s done and Joe Rogan will know, for the first time in his life, that he can feel complete if he just gives in to the moment as it occurs around him. He’ll also know he likes buttsex with people he trusts, something every human being could do to learn.

Congratulations on Teaching Joe Rogan How to Love!