Congratulations on Convincing That Gopher to Let You Go!

Fun fact: the character portrayed by Bill Murray in the film Caddyshack was actually based on a real live person, and that person is you. And your life didn’t end when the film did. You spent the last few decades working in various groundskeeping capacities, keeping it fresh and real in equal measure, and you’ve been quite good at your work. You’ve kept the greens of every place you’ve worked perfectly manicured, and decapitated, poisoned, burned and blown up hundreds of gophers along the way. It’s been a great ride, but there’s a downside.

Every time you move somewhere new a gopher or group of gophers tries to kill you. Most of the time it’s easy enough to deflect: gophers don’t have opposable thumbs and they’re not very bright. Most of them are only dimly aware that human beings aren’t all the same person. But given all the chemicals and shit in the world today sometimes a gopher of unusual size and intellect will emerge. Today, following your move to South Carolina where you hope to tend the most divine of greens, you’re going to meet one such gopher.

He’ll have appeared at your house last night with a baseball bat and some rope. He’ll have knocked you unconscious and dragged you away to his lair, where he’ll bind you and wait for you to wake up so that he can take his revenge on you.

You’ll awake about midway through today, while he’s out doing whatever giant gophers do, so you’ll have some time to take in your surroundings, test your bonds and think about escape. You’re a crafty and resourceful individual, but you won’t be able to think of a single way to escape with the materials you have on hand before the giant gopher returns, clutching some giant radishes that won’t stop glowing. He’ll notice you’re awake right away and put down his radishes, picking up a pair of shears in their place.

“GRAAAA!” he’ll scream at you, but you won’t be so easily cowed.

“Hey buddy,” you’ll drawl in your sweetly retarded voice. “Whaddya doin’?”

Your friendliness will make him pause (he isn’t very bright) and you’ll continue talking to him, trying to convince him that you just want to be his friend.

Over the course of an hour you’ll tell him all sorts of bullshit and he’ll fall for it completely. He’ll loosen your bonds and get ready to make some turnip stew for you, his new bestest buddy. At this point you’ll stab him in the base of the neck with the shears he was going to use to torture him and manipulate them until his head comes off. It’ll be messy and horribly, but when you’re done you’ll have a new giant gopher head to display on your front lawn as a warning to others.

Congratulations on Convincing That Gopher to Let You Go!