Congratulations on Killing Your Potential Stepdads!

Your name is Telly, which is short for Telemachus. We’d like to claim that it’s just a crazy coincidence that your dad is a drifter and that your mom is named Penelope, but that’s not true. The fact is that you’re actually part of something bigger than yourself, and that tomorrow you’re going to have no choice but to get into the big old clock tower in your town’s square with a high powered rifle, chamber up seven rounds and wait until the bidding begins on your mom at today’s bachelorette auction.

It’ll be a silent auction, so the sound of the first shot will ring out true and clear through the county fair. The man who was bidding on your mother will drop to the ground immediately. Unfortunately for the townspeople, most of them won’t be too bright, so another man will immediately rise, assuming that the previous courter just lost his nerve and fainted, and raise his auction number.

The second bullet will take him just below the base of his skull, ripping through his throat and sending him to the ground gasping for air. A third and a fourth suitor will rise and fall before people start to catch on, relating the sound of the rifle firing to the sudden collapse of the men who want to rail your mom. By then, however, you’ll have noticed three additional men who seemed like they were sort of interested in your mom.

You’ll put down two of them before they have a chance to flee the town’s square. The third will be a squirrely bastard, but you’ll catch him as he dives into his car, putting one through his front windshield and his forehead, ending the various attempts on your mother’s honor that might’ve challenged your father’s rightful claim when he returns in a few days.

You’ll spend the next two days in a standoff with police, occasionally firing at them to keep them from advancing as you sit in that clock tower alone. Some will call you mad, but you’ll know in your heart of hearts that what you’re doing is right, and when your pappy shows up with flowers and a condom for your ma and helps tell off the police so you can all get drunk together you’ll know that you done right by killing all those men.

Congratulations on Killing Your Potential Stepdads!