Congratulations on Winning at Hammer Tag!

To the uninitiated, Hammer Tag is the latest sport to sweep the nation. It consists of two or more people chasing each other around with hammers and attempting to strike one another in the head with said hammers, shouting “TAG!” upon each successful hit in order to score a point. Ten points are awarded for a successful knockout, and all points are nullified if an individual is killed during play. Play occurs over six seven and a half minute rounds.

That’s for people who don’t know about Hammer Tag already, people not you. You already know all about this spectacular sport. So you’re going to play Hammer Tag tomorrow with your brother and you’re totally going to kick ass at it.

It’ll begin as it always does, with the traditional signing of the Hammer Tag liability waivers. With the paperwork out of the way the two of you will wait for the referee (your dad holding a gun) to fire the starting shot, signifying the beginning of Hammer Tag.

You’ll charge at your brother and give him a pair of quick taps on the skull, which will make him drop to the ground in a heap.

“Urrgh,” he’ll mumble as he tries to rise to his feet. You’ll give him one last tap for good measure before your dad fires the finishing shot, indicating that a technical knock-out has occurred.

“Winner!” he’ll shout as he grabs your hand and raises it above his head, beaming with pride as your brother, now losing blood from a headwound, rocks back and forth on the ground wondering where he is.

Congratulations on Winning at Hammer Tag!