Congratulations on Making Love to That Horse!

War Horse was a hit. It’s pretty clear to everyone involved and the critical apparatus that there’s never been a better time to be a horse in the industry since that movie came out. Seabiscuit is now a name dimly remembered. Everyone’s scrambling to get the horse that played War Horse (lovingly referred to as “Horsie” by agents everywhere) attached to their picture.

They’re plying him with carrots, oats, horse blankets and, of course, expensive prostitutes.

You’re one of these prostitutes. You’ve always had a thing for horses thanks to the absence of a strong father figure in your life when you were growing up. Unlike all the other hookers that get thrown at Horsie you’re actually going to be accepted into his stable and, instead of being stamped to death, you’ll make sweet, sweet horse love with him.

What follows will be an explosion of media, scandal and a story of true love.

“Can horses marry?!” slower reporters will ask, while other, smarter reporters cover other stories in newspapers.

When the dust settles the media coverage, months from now, will ruin any chance the two of you had at a real relationship, which is a shame because you’ll get along famously. But Horsie’s career will be propelled by his tale of love lost, crisis and redemption and you’ll be well taken care of for the years to come thanks to your role in the entire thing. Some other woman will write a book with your name on it and you’ll occasionally go on talk shows to talk about love and just how much punishment vaginas can really take.

But the real victory here will be the love you two will share, however briefly, following your sexcapade. Facilitated by Horsie’s success, sustained by your big heart and durable vagina and your mutual distaste for language and eye contact during sex, it’ll be brief but wonderful, the best that either of you will ever have throughout your entire lives.

Enjoy it while it lasts and try not to cry in the shower in the years to come.

Congratulations on Making Love to That Horse!