Thank you! Thank god for you! You know those micro-loan companies that have been making waves by vastly improving the quality of life in sub-Saharan Africa, largely by improving the lives of women in rural areas? You know how people cannot stop fucking gushing over them and how they can do no wrong? Well after today people won’t be able to say that about those fucking self-righteous baby saving fuckface micro-loaners, and it’s all thanks to you.
Because today you’re going to put into place “…And A Chicken In Every Pot,” a 401C that exclusively attempts to put automatic weapons in the hands of underprivileged Africans, mostly AK-47s with a smattering of World War II and Belgian leavings thrown in to round out the arsenal.
You don’t care if they want to protect their family or if they want to join a guerilla movement. Your only rules are that you only provide loans to individuals, and that you only do so to cover the cost of five or fewer automatic weapons or accessories thereof. It’ll be a huge hit: the number of arm sales will double within your first week, quadruple by the end of the first month, and reach ten times the current level come the end of the fiscal quarter.
No one will sympathize with your cause or believe that you were just trying to “round out by the power base by putting everyone at an equal footing.” Even your history as a celebrated member of the ACLU won’t save you from accusations of racism and hate mongering. You’ll forever sully the useful, practical lone infrastructure that so many people have been able to better their lives through, and you’ll do it tomorrow with the stroke of a pen when you sign the paperwork to make your ill-fated, ill-conceived, observably amoral 401C.
Congratulations Micro-Loan Management Company!
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