Congratulations on Getting Your Modern Art Installation Approved!

Modern art is a tough business to crack. Sometimes people do it through raw creative force or sheer willpower, but you know that those people are actually tremendous suckers. You’re going to blow all of them out of the water today because you know you’re a freak of nature and more than anything else, modern art patrons really just want to see freaks on display.

So today you’re going to propose to the gallery you spend a lot of time in in Chelsea that they give you an installation. It’s going to be, in your words, “All about the pain of being a man in modern society, the pain you project and the pain you receive, you know?” But really, it’s just going to be an exhibit where you hang a giant weight from your penis for several hours while you’re surrounded by a combination of pictures of your penis without a weight around it, really beaten up vaginas from around the world and botched circumcisions that organizations attempting to make people hate Jews like to pin up around the city.

The end result will be a work of “art” that showcases less a conceit of how the world functions or a piece of insight on how humanity as a whole exists and more pinpoints just how much genital punishment you can both take and how much genital mutilation you can tolerate in your life. It’ll fall just short of “Somalia” and well above “the amount that normal people can enjoy.”

In the weeks to come you’ll see reviews of your “showcase of pain” that uphold you as the Norman Rockwell of America’s disdain for sex – one critic will go so far as to call you “the Norman Wreckwell of dicks.” But you’ll know in your heart of hearts that this entire thing was accidental: that really all you wanted was rent money and attention and to have a bunch of strangers look at your penis with weights attached to a fishhook that has been skewered through it. Really, that’s all you ever wanted, though you’re rarely comfortable saying as much.

Congratulations on Getting Your Modern Art Installation Approved!