Congratulations on Being Convinced to Live By That Gargloye!

Today you’re going to be on the top of a building, looking down at the city below. You’ll be contemplating ending your life, and who could blame you.

It’s been a rough couple of months. First your food cart business “Shit on Your Sandwich,” where you’d put almost anything on a sandwich for anyone who showed up, failed for some completely inscrutable reason. Then your girlfriend left after you asked her if she “wanted a threesome” for her birthday (you figured she’d like a guy-guy experience since she often asked to watch double-penetration themed porn during sex) and your mom stopped taking your calls following your advice to “discuss dad’s cheating with him” after she complained for the umpteenth time about him dicking around behind her back (that one’s not your fault).

So today when you go up to the roof of your building to smoke you’re going to look over the side and wonder what the world might be like without you. And you’ll happen to do so while you’re next to the only psychic gargoyle in Brooklyn (most of them live in the Bronx). And as you ponder your life he’ll start to talk.

“Yyyyyyyoooooouuuuuu shhhhhhhoooooooulllllld dooooooo iiiiiiiit,” he’ll intone in a voice that reverberates through your body.

“What?!” you’ll shout back, astounded at the fact that a gargoyle is talking to you.

“Kiiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllll yyyyyooooooourrrrrssssselllllffff,” he’ll mumble.

“How did you know?” you’ll ask, fascinated by him now, no longer fantasizing about the end of your own life.

“Goooooooodaaaaaaaaaamniiiiiit,” he’ll moan. “Iiiiiiit’ssssss oooooobviiiiiiousssssss.” The tone of his voice will shift downward, and you’ll realize almost immediately that he just wanted to see your body splattered on the street below – that would make his day a lot better. His telepathy will work both ways, and he’ll know that you’re actually kind of an okay dude, aside from the fact that you’re a bit of an idiot, and that the world is better with you in it.

“Thanks, I guess,” you’ll tell him, and then you’ll throw your cigarette into the street below and walk back inside.

He’ll call after you:

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…”

But you won’t pay it any heed. You’ll head back downstairs to call your mom and let her know you care on her voicemail, because it’s important that she knows she can always talk to you if she has to. Then you’ll consider the best way to get back in touch with your girlfriend, because you’re pretty sure she’ll get VD if she tries to move on from you.

Congratulations on Being Convinced to Live By That Gargoyle!