Congratulations on Rewriting the Gay Rulebook!

Every once in a while the gays sit down and re-write their rulebook. The best known rewrite happened in the mid-ninties when they decided to make condoms a necessary accessory for nearly all sex in response to the AIDS pandemic, but other lesser known rewrites include “bros before hos,” the conceit that a failure to make eye contact “cancels out the gay” and some pretty stringent rules on how much cuddling is too much.

But the gay rulebook has never been re-written by anyone, even big old homos, who are publically strongly opposed to open homosexuality as a lifestyle before. But today it’s going to happen. Today you, Senator Rick Santorum, are going to write a whole new page in the gay rulebook and, shocker, it’s going to cause some controversy.

In this page you’ll strongly encourage all gays, especially Leonid Tamerlin, your young, firm lover and poolboy, to “keep their traps shut about what goes on in the shed” under punishment of being beaten with a rubber hose while an obese man watches and laughs. You’ll also put in some Gay Union stuff about improvements to health benefits and financial support for gays who have been particularly hard hit by the recession.

That rider will trigger a fervent discussion over a set of provisions which would have otherwise been dismissed immediately – closeted gays like you, Senator Rick Santorum, normally don’t get to set policy. Your failure to openly participate in gay culture really makes it seem like you don’t have the best interests of the social group at heart, and a lot of the reforms you propose do seem quite heavily geared towards using heavy handed tactics to silence a handful of poolboys.

But the provisions that would improve the quality of life for hundreds, if not thousands, of underprivileged gays in the community will make most people pause. They’ll wonder if giving a little ground is worth it if they can make such a progressive movement towards supporting the least fortunate members of the gay community. Conservative elements of the social movement who would normally block such a provision’s passing will be supportive of it, thanks to its poolboy related provisions.

There will be ten hours of long, hard debate and a little bit of sex on the floor of the gay assembly hall surrounding these provisions, and by the end large portions will be stripped out, but two things will remain: gay universal healthcare and Leonid keeping his perfectly formed lips pressed together in a fashion that prevents any sound, however delightful, from escaping his pert little mouth. It will mark the first time that a closeted homosexual has ever made an effective change to the gay rulebook, a dark day in Leonid’s life and a tremendous gain for the gay community who, closeted and open alike, enjoy going to hospitals just as much as anyone else.

Congratulations on Rewriting the Gay Rulebook!