Congratulations on Driving Your Own Company into the Ground!

You came up with a great idea for a company about four years ago. You’d figure out how to outsource various businesses to India by generating effective models for those businesses and then moving them to India wholesale through American companies that essentially manage outsourcing to Indian outsourcing companies.

It might be shocking to you that this isn’t actually a sustainable business model, but turns out it’s not. Turns out that when you basically just outsource people for a living you generate an infrastructure that eventually allows your employers to outsource your own job. So today, following your successful outsourcing of a customer service system for a mid-sized software company to India through a shell company in the Midwest, you’re going to go back to your office and treat yourself to a good job scotch.

About halfway through it, you’re going to get a call on your land line. It’ll be from the head of the company that hires your company to outsource shit to other companies. He’ll sound kinda sad.

“Bill,” he’ll say. “It’s time.”

You’ll know what he means immediately. You’ll know that he’s met an amoral Indian person who is also a compulsive liar with a sociopath’s mentality but not the courage to murder who expresses his desire to undo others by outsourcing work to other countries so that he can harm his fellow man without risking direct conflict.

”I knew this day would come,” you’ll mumble into the phone. Then you’ll put the receiver down while your boss continues talking. You’ll ride up the elevator to the roof, where you’ll grab the parachute you stashed up there ages ago. Then you’ll dial the number you marked as “END” in your cell phone and leap off the side of the building with your parachute.

The cell call will go to another phone in the basement of your building, which will trigger a set of explosive charges that you imbedded into the underground parking structure of your building ages ago when you first moved here.

As you descend gracefully from the building, winding along fifth avenue to the honks of cars below, you’ll smile at your foresight. But as the ground races up towards you you’ll wonder for a moment at just what the future holds for you, at what you can do now that the life you’ve built for yourself, a life constructed on other’s misfortune, has fallen apart.

When your feet hit the ground, agony will shoot up your legs. You won’t know how to land properly, and you’ll lock your knees and walk as you hit the ground, causing stress fractures to emerge in your calves. The pain will momentarily distract you from the void of your life, which will be nice for the time being.

Congratulations on Driving Your Own Company Into the Ground!