Congratulations Sexual Vasco de Gama!

Everyone’s always talking about sexual exploration like it’s some sort of big deal. Whatever, most of it’s already been done! If there’s a hole and a pole, it’s probably been put in there by someone long before you came along – we’re all just treading the same ground time and time again.

What’s important, and indeed kind of beautiful, is to recognize the people who have come before, to understand the lessons they learned and incorporate those lessons into your own sexual knowledge. The trick is figuring out what kind of sex-adventurer you are, what tradition you’ve come from.

It’d be easy if you were into bondage or black chicks or whatever – you’d just have to run a quick Google search and bam! You’d be bombarded with your sexual progenitors. You’d come to know Man Ray and the quaint spider web that is the history of interracial porn in a matter of hours, and you’d get super aroused in the process.

But your fetish is a bit more obscure. Not so obscure as to have an interesting or easily mapped history, unfortunately. Just obscure enough that you have trouble finding pornography that isn’t constructed by really weird douchebags and can’t really find any information about the genealogy of the porn you prize.

See, you’re not that weird. You just like Indian girls. Mostly Indian girls sleeping with white dudes. You kind of have a conquistador fetish mixed in there too, but not too prominently. Mostly you just like watching a nice, sweet girl from the Indian subcontinent getting railed by someone with a skin tone similar to yours.

As a result you did pretty well for yourself in college, but you’ve still spent a lot of time feeling alone and wondering if there’s anyone else like you, anyone who came before. Today, while perusing Wikipedia entries about Hindu culture you’re going to find a name you haven’t seen before, thanks largely to the malfeasance of American public schools: Vasco De Gama.

Turns out De Gama was the first European to sail from Europe to India. De Gama, as a filthy sailor, liked to fuck, no question, but he also respected the ladies and respected alone time where people didn’t try to high five him while he was inside someone.

As you read more and more about him you’ll realize his love of math and his fear of Muslims are exactly like what you’ve felt your whole life. You’ll also realize that with your fetish apparently comes a tremendous capacity for human cruelty. Aware of it now you’ll see it reflected in the way you’ve named every pet you’ve ever owned.

Armed with this new knowledge about your sexual past you’ll determine yourself never to repeat it: you’ll swear to hate Muslims a lot less and to avoid complicated revenge fantasies on people you believe have “wronged you” while embracing your love of Indian pussy.

Congratulations Sexual Vasco de Gama!