Congratulations on Offending Everyone at Ground Zero!

Everyone loves to laugh, and people love to reference 9-1-1. So when you show up at Ground Zero to perform your award aware-of one man show, “Forgetful Freddy’s Day About The Globe,” you won’t think that anything could possibly go wrong.

You’ll begin your show, as you always do: by donning a diaper made out of the American flag and pooping your pants.

“I FORGOT!” you’ll shout at the crowd assembled to pay their respects in a baby voice. You’ll frown when they respond not by laughing hysterically but by grimacing and looking away from you, mostly at their shoes.

You won’t be discouraged, though. You’ll know that if you want to make it big you’ll have to work past such petty disagreements. So you’ll load a t-shirt gun with a photo-copy of the Constitution wrapped around your own poop and shoot it into the crowd.

“I FORGOT!” you’ll shout at them again. This time you’ll get the attention of some police who, ill at ease at the best of times, will stare awkwardly at you, deciding whether or not they should act or just get a bagel. They’ll stand there, transfixed, as you prepare for the next part of your act.

This will involve taking off your shit-filled American flag diaper while the crowd, now even more horrified, stares at you. You’ll then carefully clean your rectum and genitals with an American flag towel before winking at the crowd and laughing.

“C’mon, guys,” you’ll say douchily. “Work with me here.”

You’ll shake your head and walk towards them, hefting the shit-filled diaper in one hand while you keep your towel closed with the other.

“Shouldn’t you be able to remind me of something here? Or did you all forget too?”

You’ll laugh at your own joke as you prepare to heft your diaper towards the site of Freedom Tower in an attempt to express your feelings about the influence of capitalism on American nationalism and the direction our country has been in, but none of the people assembled at Ground Zero will recognize the validity of your self-expression. Instead the biggest one of them, a giant of a man named Hank from Missouri, will burst forward from the crowd and tackle you, covering himself and you with the feces from your diaper.

“I guess not!” you’ll cackle at him as the police officers rush towards you, bagels in hand, trying to figure out what, exactly, they’ll have to arrest you for.

Congratulations on Offending Everyone at Ground Zero!