Congratulations Halfwit Sheriff!

“Well, I guess we done killed all them Mexicans,” you’ll proudly announce to your mentally handicapped deputy.

He’ll spit on the ground and nod in response.  Then the two of you will return to Crawford Ranch, where you’ll play X-Box together and talk about girls you like that your wife Laura won’t let you talk to.  It’ll be a simple, humble, satisfying life, far better than the one you left behind in the cold, cold country up north.

Congratulations Halfwit Sheriff!

Congratulations on Offending Everyone at Ground Zero!

Everyone loves to laugh, and people love to reference 9-1-1. So when you show up at Ground Zero to perform your award aware-of one man show, “Forgetful Freddy’s Day About The Globe,” you won’t think that anything could possibly go wrong.

You’ll begin your show, as you always do: by donning a diaper made out of the American flag and pooping your pants.

“I FORGOT!” you’ll shout at the crowd assembled to pay their respects in a baby voice. You’ll frown when they respond not by laughing hysterically but by grimacing and looking away from you, mostly at their shoes.

You won’t be discouraged, though. You’ll know that if you want to make it big you’ll have to work past such petty disagreements. So you’ll load a t-shirt gun with a photo-copy of the Constitution wrapped around your own poop and shoot it into the crowd.

“I FORGOT!” you’ll shout at them again. This time you’ll get the attention of some police who, ill at ease at the best of times, will stare awkwardly at you, deciding whether or not they should act or just get a bagel. They’ll stand there, transfixed, as you prepare for the next part of your act.

This will involve taking off your shit-filled American flag diaper while the crowd, now even more horrified, stares at you. You’ll then carefully clean your rectum and genitals with an American flag towel before winking at the crowd and laughing.

“C’mon, guys,” you’ll say douchily. “Work with me here.”

You’ll shake your head and walk towards them, hefting the shit-filled diaper in one hand while you keep your towel closed with the other.

“Shouldn’t you be able to remind me of something here? Or did you all forget too?”

You’ll laugh at your own joke as you prepare to heft your diaper towards the site of Freedom Tower in an attempt to express your feelings about the influence of capitalism on American nationalism and the direction our country has been in, but none of the people assembled at Ground Zero will recognize the validity of your self-expression. Instead the biggest one of them, a giant of a man named Hank from Missouri, will burst forward from the crowd and tackle you, covering himself and you with the feces from your diaper.

“I guess not!” you’ll cackle at him as the police officers rush towards you, bagels in hand, trying to figure out what, exactly, they’ll have to arrest you for.

Congratulations on Offending Everyone at Ground Zero!

Congratulations on Accidentally Lighting Your Bed on Fire!

Today you’re going to be laying in your bed covered in money which itself will be covered in a thin residue of gasoline following a successful gas station robbery. You’ll have just finished having sex with your favorite prostitute using an oil based lube and extremely flammable condoms (she’s not very bright and doesn’t realize that the oil based lube makes the condoms worthless, devaluing her as a whore) so you’ll want to celebrate. And what better, more American way to celebrate a pretty big theft than to light up in bed with a woman who is paid to let you spill your seed on her tits while you’re covered in gasoline and flammable items?

The answer, of course, is by mourning 9-11 briefly and somberly following your sexual episode. Sadly this wisdom will be lost on you as it will come only seconds after you and your escort are engulfed in flames following the first strike of your disposable lighter. You will die screaming, your money burning around you, cursing Osama Bin Laden for condemning you to this fate.

Congratulations on Accidentally Lighting Your Bed on Fire!