Congratulations on Filming Yourself Hiding Your Own Dick!

The mask won't fit right, so each time you leap the rubber material will flop in front around, obscuring your vision for a few seconds.  The odor of Cheezit crackers and deli meat will fill the mask, and the performance will require that you look forward as you hop, which will make completing a take an arduous task.  It'll take almost an hour and a half for you to complete your meticulously constructed work of art, entitled "Attention Whore Cockless Goblin," which will actually be similar to the amount of time it will take you to complete the paperwork required to submit said work to the Swedish Moderna Museum.

It will be accepted, and you'll be treated to a gala on your behalf where you'll realize, suddenly, that no one really likes you.

"This is to be of how we explain art to stupid people," the curator will explain.  "Your dumb heavy handed art will make them feel small and irritated, but open up the valves of criticism so that they may spout their word holes."

You'll thank him for his kind words, at which point he'll ask if you heard him correctly.  He'll easily be the most polite person you meet all night.

Over the course of the gala, most people will simply refuse to talk to you.  One woman will spit in your face.  Another will punch you in the stomach while her boyfriend holds your arms behind you.  An old man will kick you in the groin before informing you that he fought in World War II so that shitheads like you could make shit like this for idiots, but that he'd do it all over again for the joy of killing krauts.

You will be indisposed and, as such, will not be able to form a reply to him, or any of your other erstwhile critics, for that matter.  When you return home for the night to go to sleep you will, for the first time in your life, feel appropriately ashamed of yourself.

Congratulations on Filming Yourself Hiding Your Own Dick!

Congratulations on Getting Your Modern Art Installation Approved!

Modern art is a tough business to crack. Sometimes people do it through raw creative force or sheer willpower, but you know that those people are actually tremendous suckers. You’re going to blow all of them out of the water today because you know you’re a freak of nature and more than anything else, modern art patrons really just want to see freaks on display.

So today you’re going to propose to the gallery you spend a lot of time in in Chelsea that they give you an installation. It’s going to be, in your words, “All about the pain of being a man in modern society, the pain you project and the pain you receive, you know?” But really, it’s just going to be an exhibit where you hang a giant weight from your penis for several hours while you’re surrounded by a combination of pictures of your penis without a weight around it, really beaten up vaginas from around the world and botched circumcisions that organizations attempting to make people hate Jews like to pin up around the city.

The end result will be a work of “art” that showcases less a conceit of how the world functions or a piece of insight on how humanity as a whole exists and more pinpoints just how much genital punishment you can both take and how much genital mutilation you can tolerate in your life. It’ll fall just short of “Somalia” and well above “the amount that normal people can enjoy.”

In the weeks to come you’ll see reviews of your “showcase of pain” that uphold you as the Norman Rockwell of America’s disdain for sex – one critic will go so far as to call you “the Norman Wreckwell of dicks.” But you’ll know in your heart of hearts that this entire thing was accidental: that really all you wanted was rent money and attention and to have a bunch of strangers look at your penis with weights attached to a fishhook that has been skewered through it. Really, that’s all you ever wanted, though you’re rarely comfortable saying as much.

Congratulations on Getting Your Modern Art Installation Approved!