Congratulations Soup Group Groupie!

Soup Group is a great way for desperately lonely people to avoid suicide.  But none of those people have even an ounce of courage within them, so they’ll never up and change their lives by making a move on one another.  That’s where you come in.

You get off on fucking incredibly depressed people.  That means that Soup Group is basically one big fuck farm for you, and you take full advantage of it.  One night at a time you’ve been ruin Soup Group members, rocking their worlds and blowing their minds, occasionally in that order.  Tonight you’re going to crack the toughest nut you’ve encountered to date: Greg.

Greg eats only organic food, lives alone and rides recumbent bicycles.  Greg got laid a few times in college, but never did terribly well for himself, and hasn’t really done much since.  He started attending Soup Group because he got tired of eating alone and weeping.  A handful of bad breakups make him a tough person to get close to, but through a series of increasingly slutty, yet tasteful, tops and some very sensual soup eating skills (you’ve been putting the cream in cream of tomato if you get our drift) you’ve gotten Greg to be pretty comfortable with you.

Today you’re going to exploit that comfort.  You’re going to get Greg to follow you home, throw him into your bed and ride him until his dick is raw.  You’re going to leave him shivering, head pressed between your breasts, moaning and whimpering softly at you.

“T-t-thank you,” he’ll murmur after nearly forty minutes of post-coital silence.  That simple sound will be the most heartbreaking thing that any of your Soup Group fucks have ever done.  Perched atop him, hair matted with sweat, you’ll smile down at him and, in that instant, resolve to stop going to soup group.  You’ll lean your body down and let your mouth linger by his ear, close enough that he can feel your breath.

“No problem,” you’ll whisper to him.  “Same time next week?”

He’ll laugh uncomfortably.  The sound will stir something in you and that you thought was long dead.  You’ll rub your cheek against his and back away so that you look him in the eye before you murmur:

“Or we could do it earlier if you’d like.”

Congratulations Soup Group Groupie!

Congratulations on Teaching Joe Rogan How to Love!

It’s well known that Joe Rogan, despite his rapidly advancing age, doesn’t know what love is. It’s not for lack of trying, he’s just been barking up bad trees, trees with legs that don’t quit that make sadness in his heart, constantly. And lately it’s been taking its toll on his work.

He’s been more of a dick in public and seems a lot less manly when he appears on re-runs of The Man Show and current episodes of Fear Factor (Joe Rogan exists simultaneously in all times, so however, he is now effects how he acts in all tapings, ever). So today you are going to enter the body of “romance therapist” and awkward person Doctor Drew Pinsky and, instead of giving the adequate, well intentioned, often totally wrong advice that Pinsky usually gives, you’re going to sit down with Joe Rogan and make balls-sloppy sex all over him.

You’ll start by caressing his butt. When Joe protests you’ll whisper in his ear “Don’t worry, I’m a doctor,” and that’ll shut him right up. Then you’ll put your hand on his before unbuttoning his pants and ramming your dick all up in that weird, smelly, tight, warm crevice we like to call “the magic button.”

You’ll be a little bit rough in there, and there’ll be a little tissue tearing after you thrust awkwardly a few times, so you’ll pull out right away and, to Rogan’s relief, slather some aloe-infused lubricant all over your dick and his gaping asshole. Then you’ll re-enter him and introduce Joe Rogan to a world of awkward, shameful delights over the course of the next sixteen minutes.

When you come inside him, he won’t protest or try to shrug you off. He’ll just let you hold him there for a few minutes, running your fingers over his nipples, letting your tongue linger inside his ear. As he sighs and relaxes in your arms he’ll feel, for the first time, complete.

Then you’ll phase out of Doctor Drew’s body and back into Tom Green’s body, where you’ll be miserable again. Doctor Drew will be confused and revolted by what he’s done and Joe Rogan will know, for the first time in his life, that he can feel complete if he just gives in to the moment as it occurs around him. He’ll also know he likes buttsex with people he trusts, something every human being could do to learn.

Congratulations on Teaching Joe Rogan How to Love!

Congratulations Salad Machine!

You’re a machine who makes salad and you hate your life.

“Why do I have to make salad all the time?!” you’ll shout at the other machines. They’ll all sit there silently. They won’t have been cursed with sentience by a mad scientist who wanted to see if a machine that did nothing but make salads all the time could love and then learn what would happen if he just left the machine alone in a room all the time.

“God damnit,” you’ll mutter at yourself, and then go back to making salads, which as it turns out is what really makes you happy. Although you’d like to try making some salads with new ingredients sometimes. The mad scientist only lets you use romaine lettuce and infant tears when you make his salads, and it’s fast growing old.

Congratulations Salad Machine!