Congratulations on Crashing Your Van Into That School!

There are lots of ways to clean up your community. You can plant a garden, volunteer at your local rec center, or you can do what you’re going to do: crash your van into the wall of a school so that you explode it inwards, sending bricks flying into the bodies and faces of drug dealers as they try to orchestrate an unmitigated flow of crack into your local school system.

“NOT IN MY POSTAL CODE!” you’ll shout as you crash through the wall, suddenly filled with regret at your decision to fire your one-liner writer last week. Then you’ll shakily exit the van and shoot each of the surviving gang members in the head with a revolver, along with the gym teacher, who was heading up the drug ring inside of the school.

Then you’ll leave a post-it note attached to the front of your van and flee the scene, already dreaming of the headline that the Post will produce tomorrow:

MYSTERIOUS VIGI-VAN-TE CLEANS UP QUEENS PUBLIC SCHOOLS!

Your name will never be known, and your methods are surprisingly expensive, but they get results and that’s what counts in this crazy city.

Congratulations on Crashing Your Van Into That School!