Congratulations on Losing Your Glasses!

Well this is just going to be embarrassing. While climbing around an ancient ruin, much like the one portrayed in the 1999 classic film The Mummy, you’re going to have to do some climbing. And some leaning. And a little bit of fast moving when evil Egyptian bugs and evil Egyptian scarabs (not to be conflated or confused, racists) attack you and your guide. And while you flee up some sort of ornately carved wall with convenient hand-holds in it, while the bugs devour your shrieking companion beneath you, the unthinkable will happen.

You’ll drop your glasses.

They’ll fall right off your face and on to the oozing corpse of your one-time companion. You could wait for the bugs to stop murdering him and then climb back down and get your specs, but they’ll be all covered in gore and other gross red stuff, so you won’t be too keen on that idea. Instead you’ll opt to keep climbing and trust your terrible, terrible eyes (-100 x 175 is your prescription) to guide the way.

Since you’re basically blind once you reach the top you’ll just stumble down the hallway, clutching a luger in one hand and a torch in the other, hoping to stumble on some jewels or treasure or something. But it turns out crypts aren’t just filled with rubies and shit like they used to be back in the old days. Turns out they don’t even really have mummies anymore. Turns out they’re just big stretches of nothing filled with super dangerous bugs.

After around twenty minutes of blind stumbling, you’ll be kind of angry at yourself for not going back for your glasses. You’ll consider rigging up a makeshift pair of glasses using a piece of paper from your Adventurer’s Notebook (™) and a pin so that you could poke a hole in the paper and then look through it to effectively re-focus your eye. But then you’ll realize how stupid that would make you look, and you’ll think better of it.

In frustration, you’ll sit down to consider your options and rest your aching feet, wondering if those bugs carried your glasses off to some kind of gross bug nest or if they just left them in the gore of your former companion. You’ll weigh the option of heading back to see if you can find them, and you’ll be leaning towards it pretty heavily when a moan will echo down the hallway.

You’ll turn and squint at the sound, raising your luger and shouting a warning.

“Kensington?!” you’ll ask, wondering if your servant found a way to up and walk about without his skin on.

A moan will answer in a fashion that suggests, even if it is Kensington, he’s not particularly friendly.

You’re normally a pretty good shot, but without your glasses all bets will be off. You’ll fire off all seven of the rounds in the luger, but to no avail. Whatever it is that’s shambling towards you will still be coming.

Spoiler alert, it’s going to be a zombie, and you’ll have missed its head. Turns out mummies were just forced out of their crypts by zombies, who work longer hours for less pay, and now zombies devour the bodies and brains of those unfortunate enough to lose their glasses in crypts.

We hope you appreciate the inversion of conventional structure that your death will represent.

Congratulations on Losing Your Glasses!