Congratulations on Embarrassing Angela Merkel in a Whole New Way!

Angela Merkel has had to deal with so much shit during her time in office. A Texan hillbilly once rubbed her shoulders at a public function, some idiotic waiter once spilled soup on her, and I have on it the highest authority that many people in Germany sometimes purposefully pronounce her last name as “Merkin” in order to draw comparison between her name and the term for a pubic wig, which sounds quite similar.

But you’re going to take it to a whole new level today when you, a North Korean diplomat with some serious MILF issues and Fjord Fever (copyright Martin Starr’s character from Party Down), meet her at a function and totally lose your shit.

The moment she shakes your hand you’ll begin trembling uncontrollably. Then you’ll drop to your knees and lean in real close and start kissing her feet. Tears will well up in your eyes and drop upon her shoes and you’ll start trying to mop them up with your tie as you babble in Korean.

The translator accompanying you will translate every single god damn word you’re saying, since he’s been told to do so on pain of his family’s death, and will do so in a monotone in an effort not to upset you further, but in the end this will just give Chancellor Merkel the vague impression that her new North Korean suitor is a sort of emotionless robot.

“I am so sorry to react this way,” the translator will intone, in English for some god damn reason. “You are simply so beautiful.”

She’ll laugh delicately and try to get you to stand up, but you’ll find yourself suddenly unable to stand, unable to even think of looking at her. Your shame will become so severe that you’ll vomit, disgorging the porridge you ate as part of your luxurious diplomatic lunch, as afforded to you by the nation of North Korea.

“I apologize for the mess I have rendered upon your footwear,” the translator will intone tinily. Chancellor Merkel will not respond. She won’t back away. She’ll just stand there, stock still, as she places in her life where, exactly, this event will fit on her list of most awkward social interactions ever.

After limited internal deliberation, she’ll settle on 3rd place, a fact which would honor you if she ever told it to you out loud.

Congratulations on Embarrassing Angela Merkel in a Whole New Way!