Congratulations on Establishing a Context Where You Aren't a Loser!

In this context, apes will rule the planets and your hygiene, giant forehead and hairy brow will all be considered socially acceptable and desirable traits. Your love of reggaeton and your terrible taste in clothing and food will also be in line with ape-fashion and, as a result, will be considered quite gauche.

In this scenario, apes will murder people en masse on a whim. Ape-rape will be commonplace, human reproduction tightly controlled. A gathering of more than three humans away from work will be strictly prohibited by ape-law, which is fine by you because you’re never invited to parties anyway.

In this scenario you’d be a perfect under-lieutenant for the apes, which would make you less of a loser than you are in the real world, where you work fourteen hours a week in a video rental store while living in your parent’s basement. It will take a lot of work to establish this context, and we respect that, but we’d still prefer you stopped trying to make it into a reality, because if it works we’ll all be in big trouble. When you come up with it tonight, just write it down and take some solace in the fact that maybe, just maybe, there’s a version of you out there who doesn’t suck at life.

Congratulations on Establishing a Context Where You Aren’t a Loser!