Congratulations on Whisking Her Away!

There are many ways to show your love, like a kiss on the cheek or a flower or a heart shaped balloon. If you’re really old school you can rest your hand on your lover’s hand until she starts to weep softly and you pull her in and kiss her on the cheek and then light yourselves on fire. Or you can use any number of cards devised specifically for the purpose of informing a loved one just how much you care. We’re not trying to note you to death here, just give you some options.

Because the way you’re going to express your love today isn’t really appropriate. At all. We understand that love is a confusing emotion and that we all process it a little differently. But when you kidnap a woman and bind her in your basement you’re taking it a little far. And when you shove roses down her throat until she chokes to death, you’re taking it way too far. When you start stirring her bones in a cauldron so that you can eradicate them from existence and make a sort of gelatin substrate that will allow you to, with a little work, make a scale statue of your lady love before she was whisked into oblivion.

When you’re done you’ll have your paste, but you won’t have thought ahead far enough to prepare a mold in her shape. You’ll be undone by your own hubris, left with a puddle of rapidly cooling gelatin and no one to help you stir it. The irony of the situation will be lost on you, which is good because irony drives you to kill, and we’ve already seen what you do when you just want to love.

We don’t want to see a scenario where you explicitly intend to harm someone.

Congratulations on Whisking Her Away!