Congratulations Sexy Embarrassment!

Our society is pretty permissive when it comes to sexy ladies. They can be absolutely batshit crazy self-hating fucktards and we’ll still treasure them if they’re hot enough. And our society is pretty upset about racism in general. If you want to upset people, be a racist. Only other racists will ever like you and if anything bad ever happens to you people will consider it totally justified, because holy shit, did you ever ask for it with all that racism.

When those two forces clash, it’s never pretty, and today you’re going to make them clash.

You’re a jaw droppingly hot lady, the kind with legs that go down to the floor and an ass that we’d like to put our penis into.

Sorry, the guy who usually writes overly dramatic dialogue about lady bits is sick today.

Anyhow, you’re really hot. But you also have some really antiquated views on gender, race and sexuality. And you own a Cafepress store where you make your own t-shirts and sell them online. Your hotness allows you to model these shirts, which makes everyone super uncomfortable because your tits are amazing, but your racism is really unimpressive on a humanistic level.

And today, during a Yelp review, a young woman named “CuriousOwl47” is going to hit the nail on the head when she describes you as:

“The most gorgeous throwback to a bygone era ever, conf3der4at3 b1tch would be charming if she weren’t so earnestly dedicated to diminishing both the contributions of her own sex and the multicultural tradition that embodies America through the generation of truly artless and offensive t-shirts. Even a white supremacist would find these shirts offensive, if only for their infantile approach to the most tired and unfortunate of uncomfortable subject matter. Please, someone out there, make this woman feel bad about herself so she can learn something, anything, about life.”

CuriousOwl47’s review will, in fact, fulfill its own purpose as, immediately after reading it, you’ll be cut to the bone. And in that instant you’ll look at your chest and realize that you’ve been so distracted by your incredible rack, you’ve never questioned whether or not you deserved to have it. You’ll begin weeping softly, letting your tears fall on your boobs, which will be too big and firm to permit those tears to roll off. They’ll just soak into your shirt as they fall, a trickle leading to a torrent, ruining the low quality screen printing that illustrates the insanely racist cartoon on your t-shirt.

Congratulations Sexy Embarrassment!