Congratulations on Getting Engaged!

You’ve been in love with this girl for a long time, conservative sexual morays aside, and you’ve wanted to do stuff to her. But there’s a catch! There’s always a catch, haven’t you noticed?

She won’t let you put a ring in it (your penis is ring shaped, kinda, it’s weird) unless you put a ring on it. And ring in this context means a wedding ring, not one of them cervix-aligned birth control devices. But today you’re going to get down on one knee, next to the Coney Island Freakshow (her favorite attraction!) and hold the ring up for her approval.

“Yes!” she’ll shout so loud that it hurts your ears. “Oh god yes!”

It’ll come out, as you walk home, that she’s wanted to get laid for a while and she’s been willing to compromise on that front to make it happen, so she’s now willing to sleep with you before marriage, as long as you’re engaged when you do the deed. To this end she’ll lead you back to your Bay Ridge apartment, push your head down to her crotch and coo encouragingly.

You’ll push her panties gently to the side and then scream in horror as spiders just pour out of it.

“AHHH!” you’ll shout. “FUCKING SPIDERS!”

She’ll giggle as you swat them off yourself and then rise up and moan when you run to the bathroom to leap into the shower in an effort to avoid being eaten alive by spiders.

“Was it good for you too?” she’ll ask as the spiders crawl all over her skin, moaning gently each time they bite her. You’ll stay in the shower for a good half hour, weighing the pros and cons of going through with the wedding.

Congratulations on Getting Engaged!