Congratulations on Teaching Us All An Important Lesson About Chainsaw Safety!

A lot of people try to get the message out about saw safety. That sawstop dude tried to make an invention to keep people from chopping off their fingers, for fuck’s sake, and look what happened to him. It’s not an easy task, but it’s the one you’ve chosen.

It’s slow going. Most people don’t see why they should worry about saws in the age of i-Phones. Most people who work with saws are professional woodworkers or magicians, neither of whom seem terribly concerned with safety. The public just doesn’t recognize just how big a threat these saws are. You know that you have to do something extreme to prove that saws are a clear and present danger to every American citizen, but you’ve been at a loss for just what you need to do.

Today you’re going to break that dam. You’re going to finally know with clarity what you need to do. You’re going to kill a bunch of stranded teens with a chainsaw.

You’ll begin your day by, of course, sabotaging their car at a gas station where they stop for refreshments. This will be easy, since you’re literally the only gas station on the road from Montana to South Dakota, so you’ll just unscrew their oil cap while they’re not watching and let the whole engine drain out.

Their car will stop twenty minutes into Wyoming, chugging and sputtering to a halt near a cattle fence. You’ll have been following them in your truck, and when they pull off to the side of the road and exit the car you’ll see expressions of relief on their faces as you pull over to where they rest. They’ll be under the impression that you’re planning to help them.

But once you exit the car wearing a leather apron and a sack mask, their relief will falter. When you pull the chainsaw out of the back of your pickup, it’ll collapse completely. They’ll start screaming. One of the boys will charge at you, hoping to take you down in a heroic moment of glory. The saw will catch him in the upper right shoulder and cut across his torso, down into his flesh. He’ll fall in two halves without a chance to scream. One of the girls will take off running down the road but the others two teens, a girl and a boy, will simply stand by the car, unable to move.

You’ll charge up to the remaining boy and try to bury his chainsaw in his neck. It will come in high, however, and instead of neatly chopping off his head you’ll cut into it like a melon. The saw will grind against the solid bone of the cranium and the cut will not be easy or clean. He’ll scream murderously as he falls to the ground, and he won’t stop until the teeth of the saw work their way through his skull, into his brain and sever the nerves that allow him to speak.

The last woman will, by this point, have fallen to the ground, twitching catatonically. You’ll leave her there, insensate, and get into your truck to drive back to town. With those two teens alive there should be plenty of people to talk about important chainsaw control is in Wyoming, and you’ll be right there, perfectly positioned to intervene on behalf of the saw safety lobby.

Well played, you brilliant sociopath you.

Congratulations on Teaching Us All An Important Lesson About Chainsaw Safety!