Congratulations on Winning All the Events at Track and Field Day!

When you were a kid you weren’t very good at running. It’s always hounded you, and you’ve always hated yourself for not being able to win a single event at any kind of school spirit, team building or confidence renewing happening. When you were diagnosed with leukemia, your dreams of becoming a dad and running on the field during one of your child’s games to beat the everloving shit out of the rest of the kids on the field were crushed: even if you survived the cancer, chemo would likely leave you sterile, and your stretch marks from the explosive weight loss that treatment would cause would render you so unattractive a sex partner that there’s no way anyone would ever be willing to sleep with you.

Flash forward from your incredibly boring last few months of heartbreaking revelations to today, when the Make-A-Wish Foundation finally responds to your request. They’ll have thought you were a very young boy, thanks largely to your judicious use of crayon and some creative record keeping that you used when you submitted your application, so they won’t think your desire to “win a footrace” was at all unusual or any sadder than usual.

When they do meet you, they’ll feel entirely too awkward to say anything about it, so they’ll just send you, as planned, to the Special Olympics, where you’ll handily beat the shit out of all those lovable, big hearted kids. You’ll devastate them, and during the award ceremony, where everyone receives medals, you’ll go totally dickhole on all of them and start pushing them out of the way, throwing bows and punches and crotch chopping incessantly throughout the award ceremony.

You won’t be invited to the second day of the Special Olympics, but that’ll be okay. You’ll have had your moment in the sun, ruined the day for those kids the way your days were always ruined, and that’s what really matters. Have fun at chemo!

Congratulations on Winning All the Events at Track and Field Day!