Congratulations on Gathering That Firewood!

When you return from the woods you’ll find a note, elegantly composed in her script.

Dear Jacob,

It’s not working. I know these woods seem like the perfect place to explore our co-dependent relationship away from people I can cheat on you with, but I slipped up and found another woods cabin a few miles away with another man in it named Chadwick. We had sex and now we’re in love and I’m leaving you.

Sorry, please get tested, I think I gave you herpes.

Sincerely,

Jane

You’ll throw down your wood in a rage and start weeping. You won’t stop for about an hour and a half, but when you do you’ll feel kind of better about the whole thing. You’ll realize that Jane was kind of a bitch, and that she really didn’t do anything for you. Without her intoxicating presence you’ll realize that this will free your time up so that you can work on your screenplay, about a man who moves to the woods to cope with his bitch of a girlfriend breaking up with him.

With this in mind you’ll start a fire for the night with the wood you gathered. You’ll feed each and every scrap of paper with Jane’s writing on it into the fire piece by piece until her presence is all but completely purged from the cabin. It’ll feel clean, fresh, the perfect place for a new beginning.

Congratulations on Gathering That Firewood!