Congratulations Sexy Cowgirl!

Normally we predict important events in people’s lives. Sometimes the importance of these events could be called into question, but if the intended target of a Congratulations rises from their slumber to discover their prediction and then reads it (this has almost never happened) the importance of the prediction is unassailable to that individual. When you’re suddenly going to jump-cut into the consciousness of Jeff Goldblum we think you’d like to understand why here at Sexy Results, and we don’t think anyone could disagree with that.

Today’s prediction is going to be of absolutely no importance to you. Today you’re going to get your W-2s delivered to the trailer you live in on the outskirts of Helena. You’ll be surprised to be getting them at all, since you didn’t recall working for anyone who didn’t pay you in cash over the last year. You’ll light an unfiltered cigarette and smoke out in front of your trailer, wearing a man’s shirt and no pants, staring out at the horizon and wondering just what you should do with this thing.

When the cigarette is done you’ll go back inside your trailer, take down your rifle and think about what you’d like for dinner. Occasionally your dog will nuzzle your bare thigh as if he wants attention, and you’ll pat his head (every good cowgirl has a dog). Then, once you’re satisfied with how clean your rifle is, you’ll read some of a book before you get up to cook.

It’ll be a dull day, a lazy, languid winter morning in the life of one of the few remaining cowgirls, but that’ll be alright. Sometimes the quiet times are the best. You’ll recall the work you did as you cook some brown rice and a little bit of chicken, which you’ll occasionally feed to your dog when he asks for it. It was a month of loose work on a ranch back in March, unexpected work that you grabbed when it came up and never thought about again. You won’t be too sure what to do with your W-2 based on that knowledge, since you don’t really see the percentage in paying taxes when you live the way you do.

You’ll bite your lip and pout as you continue cooking, scratching yourself in a completely unselfconscious way that anyone watching would wish they touch you too. Then you’ll shrug and let the thought slip from your mind – if the government wants a few hundred dollars extra out of you they can come and get it from your lily white ass.

Congratulations Sexy Cowgirl!