Congratulations on Reading War and Peace!

When you’re in prison, sometimes you choose to improve yourself in some way. Some people improve themselves by leading a horrifying band of white supremacists who rape and kill minorities and people who aren’t overly concerned with minorities. Other people sometimes take the time to learn a craft or a trade.

But you’re not much for any of that, what with your dainty hands and record of insurance fraud and murder (once they’d caught you those kids had to die) so you had to find another means by which to improve your life.

You decided you’d go through all of the books you’d lied about reading in your life one by one and try to make good on them over the course of your twenty to life. Thanks to dramatic improvements that have been made to the libraries of American prisons over the last half-decade and your own ruthless adherence to pacts you make with yourself, it’s actually been going quite well. You’ve found all the titles you’ve looked for and had plenty of time to sink into reading them.

Today you’ll have been going at it for almost a year and a half, and you’re going to finish your first book. It’ll be War and Peace, Tolstoy’s masterpiece. None of us here at Sexy Results have ever read Tolstoy, but one of our friends once did, and he told us it was outta sight, so we have a feeling that the appropriate response would be something like “Wow,” or “My eyes have been opened to the world.”

You’re going to put it down, slam it down really, and shout “WHAT” as loud as you can. Then you’ll decide to stop reading books altogether, and take up a new habit, maybe bitch raping, to pass the time.

Congratulations on Reading War and Peace!