Congratulations on Losing All That Weight!

American prisons are known for two things: non-consensual anal sex and providing prisoners with three warm meals a day and a cot to sleep in. Hence the well known idiom: “three hots, a cot, and a throbbing, engorged penis.”

Today you’re going to find out that this adage does not hold true for all prisons. Specifically Saudi Arabian prisons where they put men for wearing dreadlocks and Phish t-shirts in public. You’re going to get pulled off a street in Riyadh and shoved in a cell within minutes of getting off the plane, totally failing in your quest to “change the world from the ground up” by, in your mind, teaching Saudi women to appreciate their own independence (largely through a combination of basic literature and ESL skills and fucking you regularly).

Your cell will be roughly four feet long and wide, seven feet tall, so you’ll have to curl up when you want to sleep. There will be a single window, a slit really, that will issue only the tiniest hint of light into your new home. You’ll take to it almost immediately, since it will remind you a little bit of your parent’s basement, except it won’t have wi-fi or any wi-fi enabled devices in it.

But, even though you’ll feel more or less comfortable since you’re used to living like a shiftless hippy, you’ll be a little bit disappointed by the fact that you are, unlike when you’re in your parent’s basement, totally unable to leave. So by the end of the first day the lack of weed will infuriate you. By the end of the second day you’ll be frustrated by the fact that you’re fed only a heel of bread and a liter of water a day. By the end of the third day you’ll have become resigned to your fate, largely because the guards won’t speak English or loud, slowly shouted English, the language you normally use to communicate with brown people.

In around five months you’ll be set free, which will be great for you since you’ll be able to smoke weed again, as soon as you get out of Saudi Arabia, where that’s a felony. But what’ll be even better is that you’ll be svelte and slender for the first time in years. You’ll be attractive, were you to bathe, to members of the opposite sex and your performance while playing ultimate Frisbee will have never been better.

So Congratulations on Losing All That Weight!